Season 9 · Tập 20

Hi.

Hi.

Okay. Okay.

So I thought we'd... try this new restaurant.

/θɔːt/ /traɪ/ /njuː/ /ˈrɛstərɒnt/

It's right around the corner from here.

/raɪt/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /hɪr/

It's Scottish-Mexican fusion.

Scottish-Mexican fusion?

Scottish-Mexican fusion.

That would seem like two things that do not fuse.

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /ðæt/ /duː/

Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try

/pərˈhæps/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /traɪ/

their signature haggis enchiladas.

/ðɛr/

Okay. okay

All right. Yeah, come on. Lead the way.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /liːd/ /weɪ/

I was surprised when you called.

/wɒz/ /sərˈpraɪzd/ /wɛn/ /juː/

Isn't there some universal guy rule

/ðɛr/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/ /ruːl/

where you have to wait four days to call a girl?

/wɛr/ /juː/ /hæv/ /weɪt/ /kɔːl/ /ɡɜːrl/

That... does not ring a bell.

/ðæt/ /dʌz/ /rɪŋ/

And it's three days.

/ænd/ /θriː/

Here we are.

/hɪr/ /wiː/

Uh, I did not realize there would be live music.

/dɪd/ /ðɛr/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /lɪv/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

So, uh, should we...

/ʃʊd/ /wiː/

Eat anywhere but here?

/iːt/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /bʌt/ /hɪr/

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Besides, I'm sure we can find a place

/ʃʊr/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /faɪnd/ /pleɪs/

where we don't need reservations.

/wɛr/ /wiː/ /niːd/

Oh, you think it's just that easy?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /ˈiː.zi/

Just stroll in off the street and get a meal?

/dʒʌst/ /ɒf/ /striːt/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /miːl/

Well, let me tell you the tale of Gary Blauman.

/wɛl/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /tɛl/ /juː/

There's the blushing bride!

/braɪd/

Oh!

Gary Blauman! Gary Blauman!

How are you?!

/haʊ/ /juː/

Uh, duh, like I need to ask.

/laɪk/ /niːd/ /æsk/

You're getting married.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

Well, don't let me keep you. You have things to do.

/wɛl/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /kiːp/ /juː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /θɪŋz/ /duː/

I will see you walking down the aisle.

/wɪl/ /siː/ /juː/ /daʊn/

I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this.

/biː/ /ɡaɪ/ /roʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Right?! Right.

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

Good luck today! Thank you.

/ɡʊd/ /lʌk/ /təˈdeɪ/ /juː/

Okay.

Hey, there's the blushing bride...

/braɪd/

Code red!

/koʊd/ /rɛd/

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,

/maɪ/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/

oh, my God! Why the code red?

/maɪ/ /waɪ/ /koʊd/ /rɛd/

I mean, if it's... if it's about your hair,

/miːn/ /ɪf/ /ɪf/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /hɛr/

I didn't even notice; especially not from the back.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /bæk/

What? Nothing.

/wɒt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Gary Blauman is here, and I had no idea he was coming.

/ɪz/ /hɪr/ /ænd/ /hæd/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

His reply card must've gotten lost in the mail.

/hɪz/ /rɪˈplaɪ/ /lɒst/ /meɪl/

I mean, where's he gonna sit?

/miːn/ /hiː/ /sɪt/

It took us weeks to plan the seating chart!

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /ʌs/ /plæn/

Robin. Robin.

Shh. Shh.

I got you. Huh?

/juː/

You're talking to the seating chart master.

/ˈmæstər/

At my own wedding, I managed to sit small-town Minnesotans

/maɪ/ /oʊn/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /sɪt/

right next to liberal New Yorkers with grace and aplomb.

/raɪt/ /nɛkst/ /njuː/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

Table 27 still gets together once a year for a reunion.

/ˈteɪ.bəl/ /ɡɛts/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /wʌns/ /jɪr/ /fɔːr/

Perhaps you've seen their photos on Facebook.

/pərˈhæps/ /ðɛr/ /ɒn/

Like I said...

/laɪk/ /sɛd/

I got you.

/juː/

Thanks, Marshall.

Code red!

/koʊd/ /rɛd/

Grandma's sitting next to the band,

/nɛkst/ /bænd/

divorced couple sitting one table away from each other,

/dɪˈvɔːrst/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /əˈweɪ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

no coherent singles table.

/noʊ/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

This is the Robin's hair of seating charts.

/ɪz/ /hɛr/ /tʃɑːrts/

Singles tables are cruel.

/ˈkruːəl/

I mean, what if you went to a wedding

/miːn/ /wɒt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɛnt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

and there was a table of all fat guys?

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /ɔːl/ /fæt/ /ɡaɪz/

That would be awesome. You're right, it would.

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /raɪt/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/

Let's crack this Gary Blauman nut first,

/fɜːrst/

and then we'll work on the fat guy table.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wɜːrk/ /ɒn/ /fæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

Wait, did you say Gary Blauman?

/weɪt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Yeah. Why?

/waɪ/

I... hate... that guy.

/heɪt/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Why?

/waɪ/

Remember a few years ago

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /fjuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

when I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt?

/wɛn/ /riːd/ /ðæt/ /baɪˈɒɡrəfi/ /ˈtɛdi/

For weeks after I read it,

/fɔːr/ /ˈæf.tər/ /riːd/ /ɪt/

I only wanted to talk about one thing.

/ˈoʊnli/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /θɪŋ/

Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever!

/ˈtɛdi/ /wɒz/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Oh, that's it!

/ɪt/

No more books, Ted.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/

I don't like the person you become when you read books.

/laɪk/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /juː/ /bɪˈkʌm/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /riːd/

Here's the deal: you get to tell us one more

/diːl/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /mɔːr/

interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt.

/ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /fækt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈtɛdi/

One more, and then you're done forever.

/mɔːr/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /dʌn/ /fərˈɛvər/

So make it a good one.

/meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɡʊd/

Okay.

He went blind in one eye...

/hiː/ /wɛnt/ /blaɪnd/ /aɪ/

from getting hit too hard in a boxing match...

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hɑːrd/ /mætʃ/

...while he was president!

/waɪl/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

That's a pretty good one. Wow.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/

That is kind of...

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/

Right?! Oh, and when he was at Harvard...

/raɪt/ /ænd/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

No! No! Shut up! Oh, my God! Please!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/ /pliːz/

Well, one night, we were throwing a party

/wɛl/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

to celebrate... something--

/ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

I-I can't remember what--

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɒt/

when a pretty girl I had never met

/wɛn/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡɜːrl/ /hæd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

noticed the book on the coffee table.

/bʊk/ /ɒn/ /ˈkɔː.fi/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

I can't believe you have this book.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /hæv/ /bʊk/

I just finished reading it.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈfɪnɪʃt/ /ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

/ˈtɛdi/ /wɒz/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

A unicorn.

I couldn't believe it.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/

It was a stroke of luck on par

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /lʌk/ /ɒn/

with the 50-page manuscript in Roosevelt's breast pocket

/wɪð/

that helped slow that would-be assassin's bullet.

/ðæt/ /hɛlpt/ /sloʊ/ /ðæt/

Dude, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Sorry. Anyway...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

enter Gary Blauman.

/ˈɛntər/

Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈtɛdi/ /baɪˈɒɡrəfi/

Coolest guy ever.

/ɡaɪ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Right? Right?

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

Right? Right?

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

Right? Right? Right?

/raɪt/ /raɪt/ /raɪt/

So the three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt.

/θriː/ /ʌs/ /ˈtɛdi/

When he took that four-minute flight

/wɛn/ /hiː/ /tʊk/ /ðæt/ /flaɪt/

on the Wright brother's plane?

/ɒn/ /pleɪn/

So cool.

/kuːl/

The time he climbed the tallest mountain

/taɪm/ /hiː/

in Europe on his honeymoon.

/ɒn/ /hɪz/

So cool.

/kuːl/

And that's when I realized,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/

Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills

/ænd/ /wɜːr/

that made T.R.'s charge up San Juan Hill

/ðæt/ /ʌp/

look like a walk in the park.

/lʊk/ /laɪk/ /wɔːk/ /pɑːrk/

Or should I say, in the national park,

/ʃʊd/ /seɪ/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /pɑːrk/

since it was Roosevelt

/sɪns/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

who spearheaded the establishment...

/huː/

Dude, come on. I gave you one.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡeɪv/ /juː/

The battle raged on.

/ɒn/

In a way, he was...

/weɪ/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

...the archetype of the modern politician!

/ˈmɒdərn/

Dude, knock it off.

/nɒk/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/

Knock what off, bro?

/nɒk/ /wɒt/ /ɒf/ /broʊ/

This is my apartment,

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

my Teddy Roosevelt conversation,

/maɪ/ /ˈtɛdi/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

I get the girl.

/ɡɛt/ /ɡɜːrl/

Oh, so the fact that you're the incumbent means

/fækt/ /ðæt/

she should just pick you?

/ʃiː/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /pɪk/ /juː/

Tell that to William Howard Taft.

/tɛl/ /ðæt/

You're calling me Taft?

/ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /miː/

If anyone's Taft, you're Taft!

/ɪf/

I'm not Taft! I'm Teddy!

/ˈtɛdi/

The hell you are. My name is Ted!

/juː/ /maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

Yeah, right. Go sign the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft!

/raɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /saɪn/ /ækt/

How dare you?

/haʊ/ /juː/

Skinny-dipping in the Potomac River.

And so the standoff continued, hours passed...

/ænd/ /ˈaʊərz/

then days.

/ðɛn/

Days passed? Days passed.

Finally, a T.R. stricken by tropical fever

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈtrɒpɪkəl/ /ˈfiːvər/

on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.

/ɒn/ /hɪz/ /wiː/ /kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /noʊ/

When he was Assistant Secretary of the Navy...

/wɛn/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /əˈsɪstənt/

Will you just pick one of us already

/wɪl/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /pɪk/ /ʌs/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

so I can either have sex or go to sleep!

/kæn/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /ɡoʊ/ /sliːp/

Smooth, bro.

/broʊ/

After that day, I have never liked that guy.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/ /hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

So let's just tell Robin this can't be done,

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /biː/ /dʌn/

and send Gary Blauman packing.

/ænd/ /sɛnd/ /ˈpækɪŋ/

Did you just say

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/

Gary Blauman? Gary Blauman?

Yeah. uhm

I...

love that guy!

/lʌv/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

What?! He's the devil!

/wɒt/

He's an angel.

It was 2006, Marshall and I had broken up,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /hæd/ /ʌp/

and I was back in New York feeling vulnerable

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

and listening to my breakup song over and over.

/ænd/ /ˈlɪsənɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/ /sɒŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Sugar Ray's "Fly." You know it.

/ˈʃʊɡər/ /flaɪ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/

Man, you know nothing about breakups.

/mæn/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

I really don't.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Anyway, then I hit bottom.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ðɛn/

There's a bottom below Sugar Ray?

/ˈʃʊɡər/

Mm. Mmm

What?!

/wɒt/

Why have I never seen that before?

/waɪ/ /hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

I've been using cover-up

and strategically placed straps for a long time

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

to keep this puppy quiet.

/kiːp/ /ˈkwaɪɪt/

After all the times you guys made fun of me

/ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/ /taɪmz/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /fʌn/ /miː/

for my breakup butterfly tattoo?

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Oh, the fact that Ted got a butterfly tattoo,

/fækt/ /ðæt/

will you ever stop being hilarious?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /stɒp/ /hɪˈlɛriəs/

So why is it only half a butterfly?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæf/

Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /sɔː/ /miː/

dragged me out and talked some sense into me.

/miː/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /sʌm/ /sɛns/ /miː/

Lily, trust me,

/trʌst/ /miː/

you and Marshall are going to get back together.

/juː/ /ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

And when you do, you will be so glad you did not get

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /ɡlæd/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/

the other half of that butterfly.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /hæf/ /ðæt/

Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /wɒz/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/

It's good that I ran into you.

/ɡʊd/ /ðæt/ /ræn/ /juː/

Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime

/juː/

of looking at Sugar Ray every time we do it on your birthday.

/ˈʃʊɡər/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/

Find him a nice seat.

/faɪnd/ /hɪm/ /naɪs/ /siːt/

No, no, do not find him a seat.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /duː/ /faɪnd/ /hɪm/ /siːt/

I'm telling you, this guy... You find him a nice...

/juː/ /ɡaɪ/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /hɪm/ /naɪs/

Neither of us was gonna back down,

/ʌs/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /daʊn/

so finally we decided to take it to the groom.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /wiː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/

Wh-What's going on? Shh!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Wha...?

Who's that guy?

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

It's my ex-boyfriend.

/maɪ/

So, we're crouching behind a van,

/bɪˈhaɪnd/ /væn/

hiding from your ex-boyfriend.

/jʊr/

Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective.

/fərˈɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /dɪˈtɛktɪv/

It was a bad breakup?

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bæd/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Pretty bad.

/ˈprɪti/ /bæd/

Bad like there was a big fight?

/bæd/ /laɪk/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /bɪɡ/ /faɪt/

Bad like there was a big ring.

/bæd/ /laɪk/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /bɪɡ/ /rɪŋ/

Bad like this happened in the past year?

/bæd/ /laɪk/ /ˈhæpənd/ /pæst/ /jɪr/

Bad like it happened Saturday.

/bæd/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/

So bad.

/bæd/

Yeah.

Okay, he's gone.

/ɡɔːn/

I'm so sorry, Ted.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I really like you, but I'm-I'm in

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /bʌt/

the weirdest place on Earth right now.

/pleɪs/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

You're in a Scottish-Mexican restaurant?

/ˈrɛstərɒnt/

Yup.

Yeah, I am.

It's just too soon for me to be dating.

/dʒʌst/ /suːn/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /biː/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

I think I should head home.

/θɪŋk/ /ʃʊd/ /hɛd/ /hoʊm/

Well, want me to walk with you?

/wɛl/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /wɔːk/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Lots of scary ex-boyfriends in this neighborhood.

/ˈskɛri/

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

I do want to hear the rest of that story.

/duː/ /wɒnt/ /hɪr/ /rɛst/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Right, right the story.

/raɪt/ /raɪt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Yeah.

So, we decided to take it to the groom.

/wiː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/

Did you say Gary Blauman?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Yeah. Uhm

Gary Blauman? Gary Blauman?

Yes. Uhm

Blauman... comma, Gary?

Point, comma, get to the damn.

/pɔɪnt/ /ɡɛt/

I...

love...

/lʌv/

that we have the opportunity to destroy

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˌɒpərˈtjuːnɪti/

Gary Blauman's weekend by kicking him out of the wedding!

/ˈwiːkɛnd/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Yes! Gary Blauman Haters' Club right here!

/klʌb/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

What that guy did to me.

/wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /dɪd/ /miː/

Oh... God! Oh... God!

It makes me

/ɪt/ /miː/

furious to this day!

/deɪ/

Okay, okay, I'm gonna try and tell this story

/traɪ/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /ˈstɔːri/

without completely losing it.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /kəmˈpliːtli/ /ɪt/

Ready? Okay, here goes.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /hɪr/ /ɡoʊz/

I was at the...

/wɒz/

Nope, not gonna happen. Give me a second.

/ˈhæpən/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I was at the bar.

/wɒz/ /bɑːr/

Hey, Barney!

What's up, Blauman? Have a seat.

/ʌp/ /hæv/ /siːt/

Oh, thanks.

Your fries. Need anything?

/jʊr/ /niːd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

I'm good, thanks.

/ɡʊd/

Oh, but he was not good, thanks.

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/

He was not good, thanks, at all!

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /ɔːl/

Oh, what? Did he take one of your fries?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /teɪk/ /jʊr/

Take one?

/teɪk/

Take one?

/teɪk/

Lily, it would have been one thing

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /θɪŋ/

if he took one of my fries; that would have been one thing.

/ɪf/ /hiː/ /tʊk/ /maɪ/ /ðæt/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /θɪŋ/

No, Lily, that day,

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

Blauman took...

/tʊk/

...four of my fries!

/maɪ/

But that's not even the capper!

/bʌt/ /ˈiːvən/

Here's the part that still keeps me up at night:

/pɑːrt/ /ðæt/ /miː/ /ʌp/ /naɪt/

the fourth fry he took...

/fraɪ/ /hiː/ /tʊk/

the fourth fry he took...

/fraɪ/ /hiː/ /tʊk/

Buddy, you oka... you okay?

/ˈbʌdi/ /juː/ /juː/

The fourth fry he took...

/fraɪ/ /hiː/ /tʊk/

...was an accidental curly.

/wɒz/

You don't take a man's accidental curly.

/juː/ /teɪk/

You take a man's wife

/juː/ /teɪk/ /waɪf/

before you take his accidental curly.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /hɪz/

If you wanted

/ɪf/ /juː/

curly fries so bad,

/bæd/

why not just order them in the first place?

/waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ðɛm/ /fɜːrst/ /pleɪs/

Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah.

'Cause that's what you want.

/kɔːz/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

All curly fries.

/ɔːl/

Regular cut with a few accidental curlies.

/ˈrɛɡ.jə.lər/ /kʌt/ /wɪð/ /fjuː/

That's what you want.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

That's the dream. He's right.

/driːm/ /raɪt/

That is the dream. No!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /driːm/ /noʊ/

I refuse to look down from the altar

/rɪˈfjuːz/ /lʊk/ /daʊn/

as I say my vowels to the woman of my dreams,

/seɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /maɪ/ /driːmz/

and see that damned, stupid,

/ænd/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

accidental-curly- fry-stealing

Gary Blauman! Gary blauman!

Did you say Gary Blauman?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/

I...

hate...

/heɪt/

to disagree with Barney.

/wɪð/

But I love that guy!

/bʌt/ /lʌv/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

I just met him earlier today.

/dʒʌst/ /hɪm/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈdeɪ/

Oh, my gosh!

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/

It's you.

/juː/

Yeah.

You're the poet William Zabka.

/ˈpəʊɪt/

Nobody ever recognizes me for my poetry.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈpəʊɪtri/

He has all six of my collections.

/hiː/ /hæz/ /ɔːl/ /sɪks/ /maɪ/

When Terry Gross interviewed me

/wɛn/ /miː/

on Fresh Air, he listened live.

/ɒn/ /frɛʃ/ /ɛr/ /hiː/ /lɪv/

Gary Blauman rules!

Gary Blauman? Gary blauman?

I... anh...

hate...

/heɪt/

...that I once thought I loved Gary Blauman.

/ðæt/ /wʌns/ /θɔːt/ /lʌvd/

Ooh, this sounds good.

/ɡʊd/

Gary's the guy that I had an affair with.

/ɡaɪ/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /wɪð/

Tom found out, threw me out of the house.

/aʊt/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /haʊs/

Now the kids are from a broken home.

/naʊ/ /kɪdz/ /hoʊm/

Because of Gary Blauman, everything that matters to me

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /miː/

is gone.

/ɪz/ /ɡɔːn/

I got that beat.

/ðæt/ /biːt/

So, I was ordering these fries...

/wɒz/ /ðiːz/

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/

Blauman's gay?

Well...

/wɛl/

then that means that night,

/ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

the real battle was between Blauman

/riːl/ /wɒz/ /bɪˈtwiːn/

and the girl.

/ænd/ /ɡɜːrl/

And the prize... was this guy.

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /ɡaɪ/

Keep telling yourself that, buddy.

/kiːp/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ðæt/ /ˈbʌdi/

I don't want to see Gary Blauman at my brother's wedding.

/wɒnt/ /siː/ /maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

I'm the brother in question! Now, now, hold on.

/ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /naʊ/ /naʊ/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Order! Order!

/ˈɔːrdər/ /ˈɔːrdər/

Robin put this on my plate, and so I'll make the decision.

/pʊt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ænd/ /meɪk/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

Now, let's take a short recess.

/naʊ/ /teɪk/ /ʃɔːrt/

Everybody out.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /aʊt/

Okay. Okay.

Lily, out of court settlement.

/aʊt/ /kɔːt/

Drop this whole thing, and I'll give you ten bucks.

/drɒp/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /tɛn/

No.

/noʊ/

I can't go higher than ten.

/ɡoʊ/ /ðæn/ /tɛn/

I'm ready to give my decision.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /ɡɪv/ /maɪ/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

This was a tough one.

/wɒz/

Lot of good points on both sides.

/lɒt/ /ɡʊd/ /pɔɪnts/ /ɒn/ /boʊθ/

But ultimately... Blauman stays.

/bʌt/

Yeah. What in the...?

/wɒt/

For one simple reason.

/fɔːr/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/ /ˈriːzən/

There is a higher law at every wedding.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /lɔː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

A law that trumps all other arguments.

/lɔː/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈʌð.ər/

When the bride asks for something, she gets it.

/wɛn/ /braɪd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɛts/ /ɪt/

Yes. Yes.

- Wow. - Good point. Wow.

/ɡʊd/ /pɔɪnt/

He's right.

/raɪt/

This fake court thing is adjourned.

/feɪk/ /kɔːt/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/

Judged.

Well, I guess let's go find Blauman

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /ɡoʊ/ /faɪnd/

and tell him the good news.

/ænd/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/ /ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

Yeah, about that. Bit of a wrinkle.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

I was just in the hallway, ran into Blauman.

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ræn/

I told him if he didn't leave immediately,

/toʊld/ /hɪm/ /ɪf/ /hiː/ /liːv/

then Billy Zabka was gonna crane-kick him in the face.

/ðɛn/ /wɒz/ /hɪm/ /feɪs/

What?!

/wɒt/

But that's not even my move!

/bʌt/ /ˈiːvən/ /maɪ/ /muːv/

I...

We have to stop him.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /stɒp/ /hɪm/

Barney! I...

Come on, come on, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

So, we all run out to the parking lot

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /rʌn/ /aʊt/ /lɒt/

to stop Gary Blauman from leaving the wedding...

/stɒp/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

This is my place.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

Oh. Oh.

So, uh...

well, I guess this... this is where I leave you.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /ɪz/ /wɛr/ /liːv/ /juː/

This is your place.

/ɪz/ /jʊr/ /pleɪs/

Yup.

You sure it's not a few blocks that way?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /fjuː/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

Nope, it's right here.

/raɪt/ /hɪr/

It's right where you picked me up.

/raɪt/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /miː/ /ʌp/

So it is.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/

Well... good night.

/wɛl/ /ɡʊd/ /naɪt/

Good night.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/

Eight years earlier, I probably would've given

/eɪt/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/

some embarrassing speech, confessed my love

/sʌm/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /spiːtʃ/ /maɪ/ /lʌv/

and scared her off.

/ænd/ /skɛrd/ /hɜːr/ /ɒf/

But I didn't.

/bʌt/

Because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /dʒʌst/ /njuː/ /wɒz/ /ɔːl/ /wɜːrk/ /aʊt/

Ted? Oh, thank God.

Do you at least want to finish your story?

/duː/ /juː/ /liːst/ /wɒnt/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /jʊr/ /ˈstɔːri/

Right.

/raɪt/

So, we all ran out to the parking lot, and...

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ræn/ /aʊt/ /lɒt/ /ænd/

Blauman, Blauman, I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

You can stay. Billy won't kick you in the face.

/juː/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /kɪk/ /juː/ /feɪs/

It's not even my move.

/ˈiːvən/ /maɪ/ /muːv/

If I was gonna do anything, I'd sweep the leg,

/ɪf/ /wɒz/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /swiːp/ /lɛɡ/

and put you in a body bag; everyone knows that.

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /juː/ /ˈbɒdi/ /bæɡ/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ðæt/

What...? Is that from one of your poems?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/

Thank you for that.

/juː/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

Please stick around, for the bride.

/pliːz/ /stɪk/ /əˈraʊnd/ /fɔːr/ /braɪd/

You're not a Taft. Even if you are,

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /juː/

Roosevelt shouldn't have divided the party like that.

/hæv/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

I mean, he handed the election to Wilson.

/miːn/ /hiː/ /ɪˈlɛkʃən/

Completely, right? Right? Right?

/kəmˈpliːtli/ /raɪt/ /raɪt/ /raɪt/

No, wait! No! All right?

/noʊ/ /weɪt/ /noʊ/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Forget it!

/fərˈɡɛt/ /ɪt/

And, James, I'm sorry

/ænd/ /ˈsɒr.i/

about you and Tom.

/əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /ænd/

But you have to stop blaming me for your own decisions.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /stɒp/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

Well, guys, take a good look.

/wɛl/ /ɡaɪz/ /teɪk/ /ɡʊd/ /lʊk/

This face you won't be seeing again.

/feɪs/ /juː/ /biː/ /əˈɡɛn/

Come...

/kʌm/

The bri... the bri...

Gary? Gary?

He's really leaving.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Hey, Barney.

You still, uh, have my wedding ring?

/juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /rɪŋ/

Yeah.

I've got some work to do.

/sʌm/ /wɜːrk/ /duː/

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Blauman will cool off eventually.

/wɪl/ /kuːl/ /ɒf/

We'll see him again.

/siː/ /hɪm/ /əˈɡɛn/

Of course we will.

/kɔːrs/ /wiː/ /wɪl/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I mean, we might really never see him again.

/miːn/ /wiː/ /maɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /siː/ /hɪm/ /əˈɡɛn/

Because I remember at our wedding

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

looking out and thinking,

/aʊt/ /ænd/

"Man, everyone here means so much to me."

/mæn/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hɪr/ /mʌtʃ/ /miː/

A bunch of those people,

/ðoʊz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

you know, I haven't seen them since.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðɛm/ /sɪns/

And that's how it goes, kids.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊz/ /kɪdz/

The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies

/frɛndz/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/

and partners in crime you love so much

/ænd/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /mʌtʃ/

when you're young, as the years go by,

/wɛn/ /jʌŋ/ /ɡoʊ/

you just lose touch.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /luːz/ /tʌtʃ/

That being said,

/ðæt/ /sɛd/

I did manage to keep track of a few people.

/dɪd/ /ˈmæn.ɪdʒ/ /kiːp/ /fjuː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.

/bɪˈhaɪnd/ /bɑːr/

Hey, watch it over there.

/wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Yeah, watch it over there!

/wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

It's become a family business.

/bɪˈkʌm/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine

/wɒz/ /fɔːr/

to Val Kilmer. cho Val Kilmer

No, not that Val Kilmer.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/

She narrowly avoided prison time,

/ʃiː/ /ˈprɪzən/ /taɪm/

but did receive mandatory psychological counseling.

/bʌt/ /dɪd/ /rɪˈsiːv/

Hello, handsome.

I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my...

/ʃʊd/ /seɪ/ /ʌp/ /deɪt/ /maɪ/

Oh, what the hell.

/wɒt/

She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now.

/ʃiː/ /ænd/ /lɪv/ /naʊ/

Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well,

/ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/ /ænd/ /wɛl/

he owns the limo service now.

/hiː/ /naʊ/

Bitterman, get the car.

/ɡɛt/ /kɑːr/

Getting the car, sir.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /kɑːr/ /sɜːr/

Patrice has her own drive-time radio show.

/hæz/ /hɜːr/ /oʊn/ /ʃoʊ/

People call in, she gives advice.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /kɔːl/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɪvz/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Because sometimes I just feel like

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /dʒʌst/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

he never listens to me, you know?

/hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /miː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle.

/ɡɒʃ/ /riːl/

You know, my grandma always says...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡrænmɑː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished!

/ɪt/ /ˈfɪnɪʃt/

Sorry, sorry, go on.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

William Zabka became the youngest poet ever

/ˈpəʊɪt/ /ˈɛv.ər/

to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature.

/wɪn/ /fɔːr/

He's currently working on a collection of travel essays.

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /kəˈlekʃən/ /ˈtrævəl/

Hyah! Hyah!

Zoey pops up in the news every now and then

/ʌp/ /njuːz/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /naʊ/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/

supporting some cause or another.

/sʌm/ /kɔːz/ /əˈnʌðər/

It doesn't always go well for her.

/ɪt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɛl/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/

The hawk is a majestic creature!

/ɪz/

She means you no har...

/ʃiː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Aah, no! I'm your friend! I'm helping you!

/noʊ/ /jʊr/ /frɛnd/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /juː/

Still, it's nice knowing she's out there

/naɪs/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

fighting the good fight.

/ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /faɪt/

Scooter's been married for a while.

/ˈmærid/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

Apparently, he met a girl at work,

/hiː/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɜːrk/

and it was love at first sight.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /lʌv/ /fɜːrst/

I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.

/ɡɛs/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /hɛlpt/ /hɪm/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

You look beautiful today, Jasmine.

/juː/ /lʊk/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /təˈdeɪ/

Like every day.

/laɪk/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

Move. I serve sloppy joe now.

/muːv/ /sɜːrv/ /naʊ/

Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while.

/wɪð/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

But after a three-day bender on the same slot machine,

/bʌt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɒn/ /seɪm/ /məˈʃiːn/

he finally kicked it.

/hiː/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ɪt/

I got to get help.

/ɡɛt/ /hɛlp/

Yes! Yes!

Aw, man! Aw, man!

/mæn/ /mæn/

I'm not sure what happened to Blah Blah.

/ʃʊr/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she...

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/

Carol! Her name was Carol!

/hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /wɒz/

Thank you.

/juː/

Sandy Rivers' inappropriate office behavior

/ˈɒfɪs/

finally caught up with him, ending his news career...

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/ /hɪz/ /njuːz/ /kəˈrɪr/

in America.