Season 9 · Tập 2

So, the hairdresser shows up

/ʃoʊz/ /ʌp/

at 2:00 on Sunday.

/ɒn/ /ˈsʌndeɪ/

Great, and while you do that,

/ɡreɪt/ /ænd/ /waɪl/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

I'll check in on the ring bear.

/tʃɛk/ /ɒn/ /rɪŋ/ /bɛr/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

You're saying "ring bearer," right?

/rɪŋ/ /raɪt/

Ring bear.

/rɪŋ/ /bɛr/

Okay, look into my eyes and say, "I promise that I'm not bringing

/lʊk/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/ /ænd/ /seɪ/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /ðæt/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/

a dangerous wild animal to our wedding."

/ˈdeɪndʒərəs/ /waɪld/ /ˈænɪməl/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

I... Anh...

Oh, that's the shuttle

with our elderly relatives pulling up.

/wɪð/ /aʊər/ /ʌp/

There's nine steps between the bus and that front door,

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /bʌs/ /ænd/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

which means we've only got about 45 minutes

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /əˈbaʊt/

until they get inside.

/ənˈtɪl/ /ðeɪ/ /ɡɛt/

We won't have a moment to ourselves

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

once those old bastards latch onto us like leeches,

/wʌns/ /ðoʊz/ /oʊld/ /ʌs/ /laɪk/

but they're family and I love them.

/bʌt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ænd/ /lʌv/ /ðɛm/

Living link to history.

/ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /lɪŋk/ /ˈhɪstəri/

Oh, God.

This is gonna be rough.

/ɪz/ /biː/ /rʌf/

My great-grandparents

/maɪ/

never stop bickering, but I guess that's

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /stɒp/ /bʌt/ /ɡɛs/

what happens when you've been married for 60 years.

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /wɛn/ /ˈmærid/ /fɔːr/

60 years.

Man, when was the last time you think they had sex?

/mæn/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /læst/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

Probably not since the Maple Leafs won the cup.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /sɪns/ /wʌn/ /kʌp/

1967.

That's not gonna be us, right?

/biː/ /ʌs/ /raɪt/

Like, when we get married, it's not all fighting, no sex?

/laɪk/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/ /ɔːl/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /noʊ/ /sɛks/

What? No way.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/

It's us, R-Train and B-Nasty.

/ʌs/ /ænd/

That will never happen.

/ðæt/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpən/

We have to have sex right now.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Kids, as you recall, Uncle Marshall

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

had gotten kicked off his flight home from Minnesota

/hæd/ /ɒf/ /hɪz/ /flaɪt/ /hoʊm/

and was now high-tailing it across the country

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /naʊ/ /ɪt/ /əˈkrɒs/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

with another stranded traveler named Daphne.

/wɪð/ /əˈnʌðər/ /neɪmd/

How's it going, baby?

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Except the flames of Lucifer

/ɪkˈsɛpt/

keep singeing our back bumper as we drive

/kiːp/ /aʊər/ /bæk/ /wiː/ /draɪv/

through this hellish, cheese-infested wasteland.

/θruː/

Wisconsin? Wisconsin! Wisconsin? Wisconsin!

Packers country.

/ˈkʌn.tri/

But don't worry,

/bʌt/ /ˈwʌri/

the Eriksen men are repping the purple and gold

/mɛn/ /ænd/

like two bosses.

/laɪk/ /tuː/

Go, Vikings!

/ɡoʊ/

And how are you doing, Daphne?

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /juː/

Not bad, considering Marshall's been spouting

/bæd/

Vikings trivia for the last hour.

/fɔːr/ /læst/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

Do you know "I don't car""

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /kɑːr/

led the league last year

/liːɡ/ /læst/ /jɪr/

in "dumb sports stuff"?

/spɔːrts/ /stʌf/

Anyways, listen,

/ˈlɪs.ən/

I should be back in time

/ʃʊd/ /biː/ /bæk/ /taɪm/

for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

/fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Oh, the rehearsal dinner.

/ˈdɪn.ər/

Daphne, you should have seen the dress I was gonna wear.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /drɛs/ /wɒz/ /wɛr/

Up top, it packed the gals together

/ʌp/ /tɒp/ /ɪt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

like opening night of a Sex and the City movie.

/laɪk/ /naɪt/ /sɛks/ /ænd/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ˈmuːvi/

And down south, it made mama look like a dream

/ænd/ /daʊn/ /ɪt/ /ˈmɑːmə/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /driːm/

Sir Mix-A-Lot would never want to wake up from.

/sɜːr/ /wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /weɪk/ /ʌp/

Ooh, what happened to that dress?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ðæt/ /drɛs/

The drunks at the dry cleaners destroyed it.

/draɪ/ /ɪt/

Thank you, Linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

Okay, Lily, I have to go.

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/

I have to alert the villagers that there is

/hæv/ /ðæt/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/

a Viking amongst them.

/ðɛm/

Oh... Oh...

Marshall's driving through Wisconsin? Yep.

/ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /θruː/

Ooh, is that your toast?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /toʊst/

Uh... yeah. Yeah, I'm just

/dʒʌst/

gonna wing mine. 'Cause if you get up there

/maɪn/ /kɔːz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/

and speak from the heart...

/ænd/ /spiːk/ /hɑːrt/

things good...

/θɪŋz/ /ɡʊd/

mouth words...

/maʊθ/ /wɜːrdz/

memory

/ˈmɛməri/

times.

/taɪmz/

Can I take a peek at your speech?

/kæn/ /teɪk/ /jʊr/ /spiːtʃ/

Uh, no. I...

/noʊ/

"Have a drink with my favorite students,

/hæv/ /drɪŋk/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈstjuːdənts/

see one last sunset over the Hudson."

/siː/ /læst/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Ted, your speech sucks.

/jʊr/ /spiːtʃ/

Well, it's no "mouth words, memory times."

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /maʊθ/ /wɜːrdz/ /ˈmɛməri/ /taɪmz/

But if you must know, it's, uh... it's not a speech.

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /mʌst/ /noʊ/ /spiːtʃ/

What is it, then?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ðɛn/

A week before the wedding, I realized I couldn't stay

/wiːk/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /steɪ/

in New York any longer.

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/

So I decided to start fresh in Chicago.

/stɑːrt/ /frɛʃ/

It's a list of all the things

/lɪst/ /ɔːl/ /θɪŋz/

I want to do before I leave New York.

/wɒnt/ /duː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /liːv/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Okay, I don't know which I hate more:

/noʊ/ /wɪtʃ/ /heɪt/ /mɔːr/

the fact that you're moving away

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /əˈweɪ/

or the fact that I'm the only one that knows about it.

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Why won't you tell anyone?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

You don't drop a bombshell like that this close to a wedding.

/juː/ /drɒp/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /kloʊs/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

No, that's an excuse. You have been avoiding Barney and Robin

/noʊ/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ænd/

since the carousel.

/sɪns/

And now on Monday,

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ɒn/

you're running away to Chicago.

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

I'm not running away.

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

I'm moving on.

/ɒn/

This list isn't written by someone who's ready to move on.

/lɪst/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

It's written by someone who loves New York.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /lʌvz/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

I mean, "Fix graffiti on 96th and Amsterdam"?

/miːn/ /fɪks/ /ɒn/ /ænd/

I hated looking at it.

/ˈheɪtɪd/ /ɪt/

"Buy the whole bar a round of drinks."

/baɪ/ /hoʊl/ /bɑːr/ /raʊnd/ /drɪŋks/

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey, everyone.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Next round's on me!

/nɛkst/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Yeah! Yeah!

Ted? Ted?

Hey, everyone.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Next round's on me!

/nɛkst/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Can I have a double bourbon...

/kæn/ /hæv/ /ˈdʌbəl/

No doubles!

/noʊ/

"Say good-bye to the Empire State Building."

/seɪ/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Bro.

/broʊ/

What?

/wɒt/

Sometimes I go...

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɡoʊ/

talk to her about life.

/tɔːk/ /hɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /laɪf/

And I just hate the thought

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /heɪt/ /θɔːt/

of leaving you, Empy,

/juː/

but my gut tells me my future's in Chicago.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /miː/ /maɪ/

What do you think?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

You need to move.

/juː/ /niːd/ /muːv/

Oh, my God, r-really?

/maɪ/

Are-are you sure?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Yeah, I'm sure.

/ʃʊr/

You can't just stand there talking

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /stænd/ /ðɛr/

to a building and petting it.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ɪt/

Wait, are you one of those freaks

/weɪt/ /juː/ /ðoʊz/

who's sexually attracted to buildings?

An objectophiliac?

No way.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

Then why do you know what they're called?

/ðɛn/ /waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Why do you know what they're called?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Wait. Wait, wait. You know what would really prove

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /pruːv/

we're not some old married couple? Mmm.

/sʌm/ /oʊld/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈkʌpəl/

Doing it somewhere we're not supposed to.

/ɪt/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /səˈpoʊzd/

No, not what I mean.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

Oh. Like the elevator or the pool cabana.

/laɪk/

Uh, how about the roof? Oh...

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ruːf/

Who gets married this far away?

/huː/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈmærid/ /fɑːr/ /əˈweɪ/

And the humidity.

/ænd/

They're here.

/hɪr/

What do you say we make this bang a home game?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /wiː/ /meɪk/ /hoʊm/ /ɡeɪm/

Yes.

We're locked out.

/aʊt/

I guess we could try the back door.

/ɡɛs/ /wiː/ /kʊd/ /traɪ/ /bæk/ /dɔːr/

Of our suite.

/aʊər/

Oh. There's a back door.

/bæk/ /dɔːr/

No, I locked it.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/

Okay, it's fine.

/faɪn/

We'll race down to the front desk

/reɪs/ /daʊn/ /dɛsk/

and get a key before anyone notices us.

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /kiː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ʌs/

Too late. It's like we're in a zombie movie.

/leɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈmuːvi/

Seriously.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

They move at a slow shuffle,

/ðeɪ/ /muːv/ /sloʊ/

they moan a lot and, if given the chance,

/ðeɪ/ /lɒt/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /tʃæns/

they chew your ear off.

/ðeɪ/ /jʊr/ /ɒf/

But they're family and I love 'em.

/bʌt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ænd/ /lʌv/

Their wisdom is priceless.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/

"Finally tell my upstairs neighbor

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /tɛl/ /maɪ/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

how I've been feeling all this time."

/haʊ/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Yeah. Yeah.

Hi. Um, I live downstairs,

/lɪv/ /ˌdaʊnˈstɛrz/

and, well, I've always wanted to say this to you, but...

/ænd/ /wɛl/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /bʌt/

I've never had the guts.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæd/ /ɡʌts/

So here goes.

/hɪr/ /ɡoʊz/

Are your shoes made of lead?!

/jʊr/ /ʃuːz/ /liːd/

Because you are the loudest upstairs neighbor in history!

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/ /ˈhɪstəri/

Oh, oh, and you suck at the bongos! But, hey...

/ænd/ /juː/ /bʌt/

keep practicing!

/kiːp/

In the middle of the night!

/ˈmɪdəl/ /naɪt/

Before any important interview I've ever had!

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ˈɪntəvjuː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

"Come clean about April 26."

/kʌm/ /kliːn/ /əˈbaʊt/

What happened April 26?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Uh... Uh...

Can you believe people used to actually swim in those things?

/kæn/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /swɪm/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/

"Meet me at Coney Island, see?

/miːt/ /miː/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /siː/

"I'll be doing the Charleston atop my giant-wheeled bicycle

/biː/ /maɪ/

in an era where folks inexplicably talked like this."

/wɛr/ /laɪk/

Ted. Ted.

Whoa. Hey. - Whoa. - Hey.

Hey, bud, I was just about to take, uh,

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /teɪk/

Lily's rehearsal dinner dress to the dry cleaner.

/ˈdɪn.ər/ /drɛs/ /draɪ/

Oh, that's too bad.

/bæd/

Because, uh, I was just watching The Princess Bride

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /braɪd/

when something occurred to me.

/wɛn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /miː/

How, at the end, Andre the Giant hooks 'em up with those horses

/haʊ/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ðoʊz/

and then Inigo Montoya is like,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

"Fezzik, you did something right." And it's like,

/juː/ /dɪd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /ænd/ /laɪk/

"Bro, Andre's been doing stuff right the whole movie:

/broʊ/ /stʌf/ /raɪt/ /hoʊl/ /ˈmuːvi/

"knocking out serpents, busting down castle doors,

/aʊt/ /daʊn/

"basically carrying your revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass,

/jʊr/

"so instead of being a patronizing jerk,

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /dʒɜːrk/

"how about a simple,

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

'Hey, thanks for the horses, bro.'"

/fɔːr/ /broʊ/

That's totally what you were thinking, right?

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

No, I... No, I came over...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

God, that's a really good point.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/ /pɔɪnt/

Yeah. Yeah.

But here's my point.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /pɔɪnt/

And your point.

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /pɔɪnt/

Why haven't we done this in forever?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /dʌn/ /fərˈɛvər/

Ted, you know damn well why we haven't.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛl/ /waɪ/ /wiː/

Sorry, Lily. Sorry, Lily.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

I almost killed my wife, Ted!

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /kɪld/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

I almost killed my wife!

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /kɪld/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

I almost...

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Yah! Yah!

"Hello!

My name is Inigo Montoya!"

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

"You killed my father."

/juː/ /kɪld/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

"Prepare to die!" "Prepare to die""

/prɪˈpɛr/ /daɪ/ /prɪˈpɛr/ /daɪ/

Whoa. Whoa.

You son of a bitch.

/juː/ /sʌn/

I loved that dress you cut in half.

/lʌvd/ /ðæt/ /drɛs/ /juː/ /kʌt/ /hæf/

It was the perfect combination of slutty and classy.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ænd/

Well, what about your backup dress?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /drɛs/

Oh, it's just classy, Ted!

/dʒʌst/

Thank you, Linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

Look, I'm really sorry.

/lʊk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɒr.i/

No, it's not good enough.

/noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Since I'm being

/sɪns/

forced to wear something I don't want to,

/wɛr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wɒnt/

you should have to wear something you don't

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /wɛr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/

want to.

/wɒnt/

Why am I the only one being punished?

/waɪ/ /ˈoʊnli/

Marshall's just as responsible for your dress as I am.

/dʒʌst/ /rɪˈspɒnsɪbl/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /drɛs/

Yeah, but he's

/bʌt/

in the middle of Wisconsin.

/ˈmɪdəl/

How am I gonna punish...

/haʊ/

Say cheese!

/seɪ/ /tʃiːz/

Go, Pack, go!

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/

I'm sorry, Dad.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /dæd/

There's got to be someplace to bang around here.

/biː/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/

I'm starving.

I knew we should've hit the buffet when...

/njuː/ /wiː/ /wɛn/

Don't say "buffet".

/seɪ/

That attracts old people. Same goes for "coupon,"

/ðæt/ /oʊld/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /seɪm/ /ɡoʊz/ /fɔːr/

"60" "Minutes" and "Mandy Patinkin."

/ænd/

W... Robin, you're being paranoid.

Old people don't magically sense it

/oʊld/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /sɛns/ /ɪt/

when you say "Mandy Patinkin."

/wɛn/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Patinkin... Patinkin...

Quick, the ice machine room.

/kwɪk/ /aɪs/ /məˈʃiːn/ /ruːm/

It's too cold for them in there. Oh.

/koʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ðɛm/ /ðɛr/

I'll protect you, Robin.

/prəˈtɛkt/ /juː/

You'll always be safe with me.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /seɪf/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Take her!

/teɪk/ /hɜːr/

You bitches best get out of my hiding spot.

/juː/ /bɛst/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /spɒt/

The only thing not checked off on this list is

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /ɒf/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/ /ɪz/

"scotch with Barney." That's the easiest one on here.

/wɪð/ /ɒn/ /hɪr/

You are avoiding him.

/juː/ /hɪm/

I'm not. We've both been busy.

/boʊθ/ /ˈbɪzi/

Besides, Marshall and I are saving that scotch

/ænd/ /ðæt/

to have a drink with Barney before the rehearsal dinner.

/hæv/ /drɪŋk/ /wɪð/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Because it's not just any bottle.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈbɒtəl/

It's a $600 Glen McKenna 30-year.

/jɪr/

What I didn't know at the time was...

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/

I told those idiots these death rods are not welcome here.

/toʊld/ /ðoʊz/ /ðiːz/ /dɛθ/ /ˈwɛlkəm/ /hɪr/

What is it with dudes and swords?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

Oh, this is fun.

/ɪz/ /fʌn/

Oh, yeah, and it's so cool when I go like this.

/ænd/ /kuːl/ /wɛn/ /ɡoʊ/ /laɪk/

Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

You killed someone I love!

/juː/ /kɪld/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /lʌv/

Prepare to dance!

/prɪˈpɛr/ /dæns/

Yes, kids, that's what your Aunt Lily thought the line was.

/kɪdz/ /wɒt/ /jʊr/ /ænt/ /θɔːt/ /laɪn/ /wɒz/

Ha! Whoo! Ha! Whoo!

/wuː/ /wuː/

Ha! Ha!

We'll switch it with this cheap bottle of whiskey.

/swɪtʃ/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /tʃiːp/ /ˈbɒtəl/

You peel the label off the Glen McKenna.

/juː/ /ɒf/

On it!

/ɒn/ /ɪt/

Then we'll pour the... Robin!

/ðɛn/

Damn, that's smooth.

Pour it into the other bottle!

/ɪt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈbɒtəl/

Wait. The color's not dark enough.

/weɪt/ /dɑːrk/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Still not right.

/raɪt/

I think it was a little redder. Mm-hmm.

/θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Okay, now the consistency's off.

/naʊ/ /ɒf/

Yeah. Yeah.

Looks good.

/ɡʊd/

I mean, look at the color.

/miːn/ /lʊk/ /ˈkʌlər/

It's almost chocolaty in its richness.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ɪts/

The reddish hue.

Something that looks sort of clumpy.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /sɔːrt/

Oh, yeah, I-I read about that.

/riːd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Isn't the Highland region known for its clumps?

/fɔːr/ /ɪts/

Thanks, Lily.

I'm very aware of the Highland Clumps.

/ˈvɛr.i/

You know what? I think I'm gonna sneak a taste.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /θɪŋk/ /teɪst/

What? But-but Marshall's not even here yet!

/wɒt/ /ˈiːvən/ /hɪr/ /jɛt/

Ah, a quick nip won't hurt.

/kwɪk/ /hɜːrt/

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

She's breathtaking.

You avoiding the family, too?

/juː/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

I'm gay, I'm black, and I'm getting a divorce.

/blæk/ /ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me

/ðoʊz/ /hæv/ /mɔːr/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

than their pharmacist.

/ðæn/ /ðɛr/

But they're family and I love 'em.

/bʌt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ænd/ /lʌv/

The greatest generation.

/ˌdʒɛnəˈreɪʃən/

Smother me before I'm that age.

/miː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ðæt/ /eɪdʒ/

What are you two doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /tuː/

Oh, we're trying to do it

/duː/ /ɪt/

someplace naughty.

Not what I mean!

/wɒt/ /miːn/

That-that is never what I mean!

/ɪz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

We're trying to sneak in one last bang

/læst/

'cause we're afraid that the magic

/kɔːz/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈmædʒɪk/

might fade after we get married.

/maɪt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

Are we being crazy?

/wiː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

That is what happened with me and Tom.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /ænd/

But it doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /miːn/ /ˈhæpən/ /juː/

I won't let it.

/lɛt/ /ɪt/

Whoa-whoa, you can't go out there.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

It's suicide.

Consider it your early wedding gift.

/kənˈsɪd.ər/ /ɪt/ /jʊr/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɡɪft/

Why does the brother always die first?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /daɪ/ /fɜːrst/

Aunt Muriel!

/ænt/

Aunt Muriel!

/ænt/

Aunt Muriel?

/ænt/

James! James!

Where's Tom?

I have a gay question for you.

/hæv/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

How do you decide which one...?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /dɪˈsaɪd/ /wɪtʃ/

No, no...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

No! He's gone, Barney. He's gone.

/noʊ/ /ɡɔːn/ /ɡɔːn/

James! James!

Okay, you go check out

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /tʃɛk/ /aʊt/

the second floor for open rooms.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /flɔːr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈoʊ.pən/

I'm gonna go check out the gym.

/ɡoʊ/ /tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /dʒɪm/

No, no, no, that gym has a sauna!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /dʒɪm/ /hæz/

You know my Papa Sid can't go ten minutes without a schvitz!

/juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɑːpə/ /ɡoʊ/ /tɛn/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

What about the gazebo out back?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊt/ /bæk/

Next to the lawn bowling court?

/nɛkst/ /ˈboʊlɪŋ/ /kɔːt/

Get your head out of your ass.

/ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

It looks like they're casting Cocoon Three out there.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /θriː/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Oh, what about the business center?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

A room full of computers? That's perfect.

/ruːm/ /fʊl/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Technology is their

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/

compression-sock-covered Achilles Heel!

Whoa. What? Whoa. Sao?

/wɒt/

Stay safe, R-Train. You too, B-Nasty.

/steɪ/ /seɪf/ /juː/

Mmm... Mmm... Mmm... Mmm...

Ah! Ah!

Ooh, my, I found Waldo.

/maɪ/

What's this list?

/lɪst/

Whose is this?

/ɪz/

I was faced with a tough call:

/wɒz/ /wɪð/ /kɔːl/

come clean about Chicago

/kʌm/ /kliːn/ /əˈbaʊt/

or cleverly lie my way out of it.

/laɪ/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

Oh, well, you see...

/wɛl/ /juː/ /siː/

mouth words...

/maʊθ/ /wɜːrdz/

memory times...

/ˈmɛməri/ /taɪmz/

It's mine. It's my list.

/maɪn/ /maɪ/ /lɪst/

It's everything I want to do before I go to Italy.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɪtəli/

Oh. You want to say good-bye to the Empire State Building?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /seɪ/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Sometimes I go and I talk to Empy.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /tɔːk/

That's kind of weird.

/kaɪnd/

Is "weird" the right word?

/ɪz/ /raɪt/ /wɜːrd/

Seems pretty reasonable to me.

/ˈprɪti/ /ˈriːzənəbl/ /miː/

Maybe even kind of cool.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈiːvən/ /kaɪnd/ /kuːl/

"Have a drink with my favorite students."

/hæv/ /drɪŋk/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈstjuːdənts/

Lily, you taught kindergarten.

/juː/ /tɔːt/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/

That does seem pretty irresponsible.

/ðæt/ /dʌz/ /siːm/ /ˈprɪti/

"Come clean about April 26."

/kʌm/ /kliːn/ /əˈbaʊt/

You told Ted about our sword fight?

/juː/ /toʊld/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /faɪt/

Wait-- you-you guys had a sword fight?

/weɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæd/ /faɪt/

Maybe a tiny one.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈtaɪni/

I was pretending to be Mandy Patinkin.

/wɒz/ /biː/

Patinkin. Patinkin.

But it was no big deal.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

No big deal?

/noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

We destroyed their 30-year Glen McKenna

/wiː/ /ðɛr/ /jɪr/

and replaced it with cheap booze, ketchup and hand sanny.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /tʃiːp/ /ænd/ /hænd/

I knew it!

/njuː/ /ɪt/

You knew nothing!

/juː/ /njuː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Hello.

The third floor's a ghost town, tons of empty rooms to bang in.

/ɡoʊst/ /taʊn/ /ˈɛmpti/

Hurry. I've started without you.

/ˈhʌri/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /juː/

I mean, I love you.

/miːn/ /lʌv/ /juː/

Got to go.

/ɡoʊ/

Bye. Bye.

/baɪ/ /baɪ/

We made it. We made it.

/wiː/ /ɪt/ /wiː/ /ɪt/

Remind me to put

/rɪˈmaɪnd/ /miː/ /pʊt/

a five-dollar bill in Barney's wedding card,

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

you know, to get 'em started.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɡɛt/

No, Elizabeth.

/noʊ/

Leave the dentures in.

/liːv/

Mmm! Mmm!

I never want to have sex again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /əˈɡɛn/

Aw. Aw.

They broke our $600 bottle of scotch?

/ðeɪ/ /aʊər/ /ˈbɒtəl/

Well, I'm not wearing this abomination anymore.

/wɛl/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Put it back on.

/pʊt/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /ɒn/

I can't believe my great- grandparents still do that.

/bɪˈliːv/ /maɪ/ /ɡreɪt/ /duː/ /ðæt/

I never imagined a walker being used

/ˈnɛv.ər/

for anything other than walking.

/fɔːr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ðæn/

Plus, how about those balls dragging all over the ground?

/plʌs/ /haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðoʊz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɡraʊnd/

Barney. Barney.

No, the tennis balls on the bottom of the walker.

/noʊ/ /ɒn/

Oh. Oh.

Plus, his testicles were swinging like a broken yo-yo.

/plʌs/ /hɪz/ /wɜːr/ /laɪk/

Still, when you think about it:

/wɛn/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

married for 60 years

/ˈmærid/ /fɔːr/

and they still want to jump each other's bones.

/ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /dʒʌmp/ /iːtʃ/

I mean... it's kind of sweet.

/miːn/ /kaɪnd/ /swiːt/

In 60 years, that'll be us, right?

/biː/ /ʌs/ /raɪt/

Yeah, it will.

/ɪt/ /wɪl/

So, what do you think, hmm?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

On the count of three?

/ɒn/ /kaʊnt/ /θriː/

Hmm, okay. Hmm, okay.

Okay. Okay.

One, two, three.

/tuː/ /θriː/

Mandy Patinkin. Mandy Patinkin.

Oh, wow. Look at you.

/lʊk/ /juː/

Thank you for making it...

/juː/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

We got lucky.

/wiː/ /ˈlʌki/

The Farhampton Liquor Store is actually pretty high-end.

/ˈfɑːrhæmptən/ /stɔːr/ /ɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈprɪti/

Oh. Oh.

And their security is a total joke.

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/ /ɪz/ /dʒoʊk/

Thanks.

And thanks for not telling Robin the list was mine.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /lɪst/ /wɒz/ /maɪn/

But I don't get it.

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

You're so against me moving.

/əˈɡɛnst/ /miː/

Why'd you help me out?

/juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /aʊt/

For a guy who loves New York this much,

/fɔːr/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /lʌvz/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /mʌtʃ/

to leave it, you must really need to go, huh?

/liːv/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /mʌst/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/ /ɡoʊ/

Yeah, I really do.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /duː/

Okay, but there's still one item left on this list.

/bʌt/ /ˈaɪtəm/ /lɛft/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/

Time to check it off.

/taɪm/ /tʃɛk/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/

Yeah, I should probably wait

/ʃʊd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /weɪt/

for Marshall.

/fɔːr/

Well, we both know he may not get here in time.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/ /noʊ/ /hiː/ /meɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /taɪm/

Be honest.

/biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

Have you been avoiding Barney?

/hæv/ /juː/

Maybe a little.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

This is the biggest weekend of his life,

/ɪz/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/ /hɪz/ /laɪf/

and you're his best bro.

/ænd/ /hɪz/ /bɛst/ /broʊ/

No matter how awkward you feel,

/noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /haʊ/ /ˈɔːkwərd/ /juː/ /fiːl/

i-if you're not there for him, you will always regret it.

/ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /hɪm/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ɪt/

Okay. Okay.

Hey, Ted. Yeah.

You wrote down all these things to say good-bye to,

/juː/ /roʊt/ /daʊn/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /θɪŋz/ /seɪ/

but so many of them are good things.

/bʌt/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ðɛm/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋz/

Why not just...

/waɪ/ /dʒʌst/

say good-bye to the bad things?

/seɪ/ /bæd/ /θɪŋz/

Say good-bye to all the times you felt lost.

/seɪ/ /ɔːl/ /taɪmz/ /juː/ /fɛlt/ /lɒst/

To all the times

/ɔːl/ /taɪmz/

it was a no instead of a yes.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

To all the scrapes and bruises,

/ɔːl/ /ænd/

to all the heartache.

/ɔːl/

Say good-bye to everything you really want

/seɪ/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/

to do for the last time,

/duː/ /fɔːr/ /læst/ /taɪm/

but don't go have one last scotch with Barney.

/bʌt/ /ɡoʊ/ /hæv/ /læst/ /wɪð/

Have the first scotch toasting Barney's new life

/hæv/ /fɜːrst/ /njuː/ /laɪf/

because that's a good thing,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/

and the good things

/ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋz/

will always be here waiting for you.

/wɪl/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

What? Sao?

/wɒt/

Turn the page.

/tɜːrn/

"Get one last life lecture from Lily."

/ɡɛt/ /læst/ /laɪf/ /ˈlɛktʃər/

Well, you're dreaming

/wɛl/

if you think that's the last one of those.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /læst/ /ðoʊz/

Ah. Ah.

Been waiting for the perfect time for this,

/fɔːr/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/

and, my friend, that time is...

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/ /ɪz/

I saw you and Robin at the carousel.

/sɔː/ /juː/ /ænd/