Season 9 · Tập 3

Kids, it was two days

/kɪdz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /tuː/

before Barney and Robin's wedding,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ænd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

and everything was going off without a hitch.

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒf/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

Ah. TED: Ah.

Been waiting for the perfect time for this,

/fɔːr/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/

and, my friend, that time is...

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/ /ɪz/

I saw you and Robin at the carousel.

/sɔː/ /juː/ /ænd/

Okay, there was one slight hitch.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/

She called me to help her,

/ʃiː/ /miː/ /hɛlp/ /hɜːr/

and there you were

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

in the rain

/reɪn/

holding hands with my fiancée.

/ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hændz/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/

What up?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

Nothing up.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ʌp/

Everything down.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /daʊn/

All parts of me down.

/ɔːl/ /miː/ /daʊn/

Look,

/lʊk/

you were busy, so I-I...

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈbɪzi/

I went to the park to help her look

/wɛnt/ /pɑːrk/ /hɛlp/ /hɜːr/ /lʊk/

for this locket she buried years ago.

/fɔːr/ /ʃiː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

She couldn't find it, she got upset,

/ʃiː/ /faɪnd/ /ɪt/ /ʃiː/ /ʌpˈsɛt/

I held her hand. End of story.

/hɜːr/ /hænd/ /ɛnd/ /ˈstɔːri/

Cool! I just wanted to air that out.

/kuːl/ /dʒʌst/ /ɛr/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/

You know, bro to bro.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /broʊ/ /broʊ/

You're my best friend and my best man.

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

Of course I trust you.

/kɔːrs/ /trʌst/ /juː/

Oh, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

You don't have to cry about it.

/juː/ /hæv/ /kraɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

It's not that.

/ðæt/

That was a $600 bottle of scotch.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈbɒtəl/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

I hope Marshall gets here for the rehearsal dinner.

/hoʊp/ /ɡɛts/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Thank you, Linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

He's somewhere in Wisconsin in a rental car.

/ˈsʌmwɛr/ /kɑːr/

Hertz? I mean, it hurts a little

/miːn/ /ɪt/ /hɜːrts/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

but I'm not gonna cry about it. Hey!

/bʌt/ /kraɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

We've been doing that all afternoon.

/ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

Oh, who's that for?

/ðæt/ /fɔːr/

Marshpillow. Marshpillow.

Kids, as you may recall, whenever Marshall left town

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /meɪ/ /lɛft/ /taʊn/

for a few days,

/fɔːr/ /fjuː/

Lily would compensate with a body pillow

/wʊd/ /wɪð/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ˈpɪloʊ/

she dressed up and named Marshpillow.

/ʃiː/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /neɪmd/

Pretty normal stuff.

/ˈprɪti/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /stʌf/

But with Marshall stuck driving across the country,

/bʌt/ /wɪð/ /stʌk/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /əˈkrɒs/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

Lily decided to upgrade.

Meet Marshpillow 2.0!

/miːt/

Hey!

Am I on?

/ɒn/

Hey, guys!

/ɡaɪz/

Hey, Marsh. Hey, Marshall. Hey.

It's like you're really here.

/laɪk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɪr/

Hey, Ted.

Can you give me a gander of the environs?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/

Wow! Wow!

This place looks beautif...

/pleɪs/

Wait for it.

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

He's frozen.

/ˈfroʊzən/

Same thing happened last night at the worst possible time.

/seɪm/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /wɜːrst/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /taɪm/

I had just gotten on all fours and taken off my panti...

/hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/ /ænd/ /ɒf/ /maɪ/

Now Lily's frozen.

/naʊ/ /ˈfroʊzən/

...ful.

This place is beautiful!

/pleɪs/ /ɪz/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

Wow. Lily, it looks like you really put

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /pʊt/

some time into this, huh?

/sʌm/ /taɪm/

Though I wonder if

/ðoʊ/ /ˈwʌndər/ /ɪf/

instead of dressing up

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /ʌp/

your giant husband doll like Malibu Ken,

/jʊr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/ /laɪk/

you could've spent a minute or two--

/juː/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /tuː/

I don't know--

/noʊ/

planning the weak ass bachelorette party you threw me?

/ˈpɑːrti/ /juː/ /miː/

I-It's possible I forgot to send out the Evite.

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /sɛnd/ /aʊt/

Robin! Robin!

Happy bachelorette party!

/ˈhæp.i/ /ˈpɑːrti/

You invited Patrice to my bachelorette party?!

/juː/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɑːrti/

No.

/noʊ/

You know, it's funny.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈfʌn.i/

When I was planning Barney's bachelor party,

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

I managed to wrangle his boyhood hero, Billy Zabka,

/hɪz/

from The Karate Kid.

/kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

But you scored Patrice.

/bʌt/ /juː/

I'm sorry, Robin.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I-I've just been so consumed with our move to Rome.

/dʒʌst/ /wɪð/ /aʊər/ /muːv/ /roʊm/

I guess I forgot to invite

/ɡɛs/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/

the girls.

/ɡɜːrlz/

Yeah, Lily, I'd like to show you how it's done.

/laɪk/ /ʃoʊ/ /juː/ /haʊ/ /dʌn/

Billy Zabka, what a great guy.

/wɒt/ /ɡreɪt/ /ɡaɪ/

Look at how thorough Ted was planning the best man poker game

/lʊk/ /haʊ/ /wɒz/ /bɛst/ /mæn/ /ɡeɪm/

he's throwing for Barney.

/fɔːr/

Wait, I think I'm on some sort of delay here.

/weɪt/ /θɪŋk/ /ɒn/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/ /dɪˈleɪ/ /hɪr/

Best man visor for the dealer.

/bɛst/ /mæn/ /fɔːr/

Customized playing cards.

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /kɑːrdz/

Barney's the king.

/kɪŋ/

And...

/ænd/

the queens

are naked.

It was my first decree.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/

Hmm. Plus, Ted handwrote all of the table cards

/plʌs/ /ɔːl/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /kɑːrdz/

for the reception in calligraphy.

/fɔːr/

The man's a wizard with a pen.

/wɪð/

Oh. I don't know about all that.

/noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/

Though I was approached

/ðoʊ/ /wɒz/

by the decorating committee to make the...

/meɪk/

signs for our senior prom.

/fɔːr/ /aʊər/ /ˈsiːniər/

I'm told they were quite the hit.

/toʊld/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /kwaɪt/

Hey, buddy, listen,

/ˈbʌdi/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

you're gonna kill me, but I forgot to bring the table cards.

/kɪl/ /miː/ /bʌt/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /brɪŋ/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /kɑːrdz/

Uh, I'd hate to ask you to redo them...

/heɪt/ /æsk/ /juː/ /ðɛm/

Say no more. The best man is on it.

/seɪ/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /bɛst/ /mæn/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Thanks, Ted.

S-So now the best man

/naʊ/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

is painstakingly handwriting 200 table cards,

/ɪz/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /kɑːrdz/

but my maid of honor forgot

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /fərˈɡɒt/

to click "send" on an Evite.

/klɪk/ /sɛnd/ /ɒn/

I didn't forget to invite the girls

/fərˈɡɛt/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/ /ɡɜːrlz/

to your bachelorette party.

/jʊr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

You have no girls!

/juː/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /ɡɜːrlz/

What?

/wɒt/

What?

/wɒt/

What?

/wɒt/

What? I... All my girls.

/wɒt/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /ɡɜːrlz/

I gave you a list.

/ɡeɪv/ /juː/ /lɪst/

This list?

/lɪst/

Yeah.

"Tall girl from work,

/tɔːl/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɜːrk/

"mouth-breather from coffee shop,

/ˈkɔː.fi/ /ʃɒp/

"average-sized

girl from that place"?

/ɡɜːrl/ /ðæt/ /pleɪs/

Ooh. Sorry I didn't track her down.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hɜːr/ /daʊn/

She sounds great!

/ʃiː/ /ɡreɪt/

She's actually kind of a bitch.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /kaɪnd/

Face it, Robin.

/feɪs/ /ɪt/

You hate women, and...

/juː/ /heɪt/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /ænd/

women hate you.

/ˈwɪmɪn/ /heɪt/ /juː/

Ted didn't go to his prom?

/ɡoʊ/ /hɪz/

Classic.

/ˈklæsɪk/

While Lily was dropping the ball as Robin's maid of honor,

/waɪl/ /wɒz/ /bɔːl/

the best man was busy knocking it out of the park.

/bɛst/ /mæn/ /wɒz/ /ˈbɪzi/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /pɑːrk/

Hey, buddy, listen,

/ˈbʌdi/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

my great-aunt Ida has corns on her feet

/maɪ/ /hæz/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/ /fiːt/

and needs a first-floor room.

/ænd/ /ruːm/

Uh, would you mind switching rooms?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /maɪnd/

Say no more. The best man is on it.

/seɪ/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /bɛst/ /mæn/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Thanks, Ted.

Hey, buddy, listen,

/ˈbʌdi/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

the wedding doves got here early,

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /hɪr/ /ˈɜːr.li/

and I don't know where to put 'em...

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /wɛr/ /pʊt/

Say no more. The best man is on it!

/seɪ/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /bɛst/ /mæn/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Thanks, Ted.

Poor guys.

/pʊr/ /ɡaɪz/

All cooped up.

/ɔːl/ /ʌp/

I guess there's no harm in letting you out for a bit, huh?

/ɡɛs/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /fɔːr/

They carpet-bombed my entire room.

/ðeɪ/ /maɪ/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ruːm/

Wish I'd closed

/wɪʃ/ /kloʊzd/

my suitcase.

/maɪ/

And my mouth.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/

Hey, buddy, listen,

/ˈbʌdi/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

I see you wrote "N-O-period" instead of the number sign.

/siː/ /juː/ /roʊt/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /saɪn/

I'm worried that might confuse the guests...

/ˈwʌrid/ /ðæt/ /maɪt/

Say no more.

/seɪ/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/

The best man is on it.

/bɛst/ /mæn/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Thanks, Ted.

Here they are.

/hɪr/ /ðeɪ/

Freshly penned table cards in a pretty decent chancery

/ˈteɪ.bəl/ /kɑːrdz/ /ˈprɪti/

considering I only had my travel quills.

/ˈoʊnli/ /hæd/ /maɪ/ /ˈtrævəl/

Wait. Why's the poker game started?

/weɪt/ /ɡeɪm/

Oh, um, the best man moved the time.

/bɛst/ /mæn/ /taɪm/

Mm, no, he didn't.

/noʊ/ /hiː/

Yes, he did.

/hiː/ /dɪd/

Heya, Ted.

Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.

/fɔːr/ /swiːt/ /broʊ/

Billy Zabka's your new best man?

/jʊr/ /njuː/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

He's the best... around.

/bɛst/ /əˈraʊnd/

Sorry, Ted. Maybe next wedding.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /nɛkst/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

What...

/wɒt/

So you're playing the best man poker game without me?

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /bɛst/ /mæn/ /ɡeɪm/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /miː/

Tim Gunn's here and I'm not?

/hɪr/ /ænd/

I'm Barney's personal tailor, of course I'm here.

/ˈpɜːrsənl/ /kɔːrs/ /hɪr/

Plus, I've never played poker before.

/plʌs/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

It looks like a hoot.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/

I moved into a dungeon.

I wrote hundreds of cards.

/roʊt/ /kɑːrdz/

I even gave your batty great-aunt Ida a foot massage

/ˈiːvən/ /ɡeɪv/ /jʊr/ /fʊt/

so vigorous it put her to sleep right there in the lobby.

/ɪt/ /pʊt/ /hɜːr/ /sliːp/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɒbi/

Yeah, I don't really have a great-aunt Ida.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæv/

So you are mad about me and Robin holding hands.

/juː/ /mæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /ænd/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hændz/

Of course I'm mad, Ted.

/kɔːrs/ /mæd/

Holding hands is, like,

/ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hændz/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

the fourth-grade equivalent of banging.

Well, in your case, 12th grade.

/wɛl/ /jʊr/ /ɡreɪd/

Self-five.

You broke the Bro Code.

/juː/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

No, I did not. I only went to help Robin as a friend

/noʊ/ /dɪd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /wɛnt/ /hɛlp/ /frɛnd/

because you didn't show up.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/

I did not break the Bro Code.

/dɪd/ /breɪk/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

It's in the text.

/tɛkst/

A bro shall not have a weird moment

/broʊ/ /ʃæl/ /hæv/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

with another bro's fiancée. Well,

/wɪð/ /əˈnʌðər/ /wɛl/

too bad we're in Farhampton and can't actually check.

/bæd/ /ˈfɑːrhæmptən/ /ænd/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /tʃɛk/

I am pleased to announce that the Bro Code has replaced

/əˈnaʊns/ /ðæt/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/ /hæz/

the Gideons Bible at select hotels throughout the country.

/sɪˈlɛkt/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry I said you hate women.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /heɪt/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

Yeah, don't be.

/biː/

For whatever reason, I just...

/fɔːr/ /ˈriːzən/ /dʒʌst/

I can't seem to connect with them. Down!

/siːm/ /kəˈnɛkt/ /wɪð/ /ðɛm/ /daʊn/

Can you help me? I've got

/kæn/ /juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/

a bunch more wedding gifts in the van.

/mɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /væn/

Yay! I love Robin so much!

/jeɪ/ /lʌv/ /mʌtʃ/

Oh, God, I'm gonna strangle that bitch.

/ðæt/

Robin, what is it with you and women?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

They're so annoying.

/əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

I'm glad that you're my only female friend.

/ɡlæd/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /frɛnd/

Girls are always whining and crying

/ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ænd/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

over every little thing.

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /θɪŋ/

Yes. That's exactly...

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

Thank you. "Oh, oh, boo-hoo.

/juː/

"Look at me. I'm a sensitive

/lʊk/ /miː/ /ˈsɛnsɪtɪv/

little girl..." Oh. God, I'm sorry.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈsɒr.i/

You're actually crying.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

It's just

/dʒʌst/

so sad.

/sæd/

I can't be your only girlfriend. Well, I...

/biː/ /jʊr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /wɛl/

I don't need anybody else. I got... I got you.

/niːd/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/ /ɛls/ /juː/

For another six days and then I'm off to Rome for a year.

/fɔːr/ /əˈnʌðər/ /sɪks/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɒf/ /roʊm/ /fɔːr/ /jɪr/

What are you gonna do without our Saturday morning brunch

/wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /aʊər/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /brʌntʃ/

with a side of sassy gossip?

/wɪð/ /saɪd/

A one-shot power play?!

/ˈpaʊər/ /pleɪ/

Hey! Hey, Boston!

Why not drop your hockey pants

/waɪ/ /drɒp/ /jʊr/ /ˈhɒki/ /pænts/

and actually take a dump on the ice next time?!

/ænd/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /teɪk/ /dʌmp/ /ɒn/ /aɪs/ /nɛkst/ /taɪm/

I love it!

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

See? It is just too horrible to even think about.

/siː/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/

Yeah. You...

/juː/

need another female friend.

/niːd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /frɛnd/

Whenever I try to talk to women,

/traɪ/ /tɔːk/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

they look like they want to punch me.

/ðeɪ/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /pʌntʃ/ /miː/

Well,

/wɛl/

maybe you're accidentally giving off the wrong vibe.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ɒf/ /rɒŋ/

Like, what do you say to other women at the gym?

/laɪk/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /dʒɪm/

Oh, well, I haven't been to the gym in forever.

/wɛl/ /dʒɪm/ /fərˈɛvər/

My metabolism is all messed up.

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ʌp/

See, I can moose down a pint of fudge ripple

/siː/ /kæn/ /daʊn/

for a midnight snack and wake up having lost weight.

/fɔːr/ /snæk/ /ænd/ /weɪk/ /ʌp/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /lɒst/

Well, everywhere

/wɛl/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/

except for my boobs.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

So annoying.

/əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

You're gonna need a lot of work.

/niːd/ /lɒt/ /wɜːrk/

It's in here. Somewhere.

/hɪr/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

I... It has to be.

/ɪt/ /hæz/ /biː/

Damn it, I know I should've done these in alphabrotical order.

/ɪt/ /noʊ/ /dʌn/ /ðiːz/ /ˈɔːrdər/

Who cares about the Bro Code?

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

It's just some stupid book you made up.

/dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /bʊk/ /juː/ /ʌp/

How dare you?

/haʊ/ /juː/

The Bro Code has been around for centuries.

/broʊ/ /koʊd/ /hæz/ /əˈraʊnd/ /fɔːr/

Nay...

whatever's more than centuries.

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/

Please don't launch into a fake history lesson.

/pliːz/ /feɪk/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /ˈlɛs.ən/

The Bro Code can trace its lineage all the way back

/broʊ/ /koʊd/ /kæn/ /ɪts/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /bæk/

to Broses himself.

/hɪmˈsɛlf/

Article one:

/ˈɑːr.tɪ.kəl/

bros before ho's.

/broʊz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

Okay. TED: Okay.

I see what you're doing. You can't prove that

/siː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /pruːv/ /ðæt/

I broke the Bro Code, so you're just making up stories about...

/broʊ/ /koʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ˈstɔːriz/ /əˈbaʊt/

This sacred text was eventually brought

/tɛkst/ /wɒz/

to the New World in 1776 by none other

/njuː/ /wɜːrld/ /nʌn/ /ˈʌð.ər/

than Christopher Brolumbus.

/ðæn/

Article 62:

/ˈɑːr.tɪ.kəl/

a bro who calls dibs first has dibs.

/broʊ/ /huː/ /kɔːlz/ /fɜːrst/ /hæz/

Oh? Dibs!

And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /hiː/

Pocahontas was with John Smith.

/wɒz/ /wɪð/

Maybe

/ˈmeɪbi/

according to the hotel register.

/hoʊˈtɛl/ /ˈrɛdʒɪstər/

Whatever Mrs. Brolumbus didn't know

/ˈmɪsɪz/ /noʊ/

couldn't hurt her, am I right?

/hɜːrt/ /hɜːr/ /raɪt/

Well, except maybe that New World syphilis.

/wɛl/ /ɪkˈsɛpt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ðæt/ /njuː/ /wɜːrld/

But I digress.

/bʌt/

Barney, if you believe in the Bro Code,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

how come you've broken it so many times?

/haʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɪt/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /taɪmz/

How dare you!

/haʊ/ /juː/

I have never broken the Bro Code!

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

Hmm? Hmm? Ah.

"Article 104:

/ˈɑːr.tɪ.kəl/

the mom of a bro is always off limits."

/mɒm/ /broʊ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɒf/

Okay, look, we've all had a lot of fun

/lʊk/ /ɔːl/ /hæd/ /lɒt/ /fʌn/

joking about me banging your mom.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

Not all of us. Continue.

/ɔːl/ /ʌs/ /kənˈtɪnjuː/

But I swear nothing ever happened between the two of us.

/bʌt/ /swɛər/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpənd/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /tuː/ /ʌs/

Trust me.

/trʌst/ /miː/

And what's going on with your fingers?

/ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɪŋɡərz/

That's how our bodies were intertwined.

/haʊ/ /aʊər/ /wɜːr/

All right, this is ridiculous!

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɪz/

It's ridiculous that you won't admit

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ədˈmɪt/

holding Robin's hand was weird.

/ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hænd/ /wɒz/

It wasn't weird!

/ɪt/

Yes, it was.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

We need a third impartial bro to settle this.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /broʊ/ /ˈsɛtl/

To resolve this,

I really need to parse

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/

the text of the Bro Code.

/tɛkst/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

It's too bad

/bæd/

Marshall doesn't have a copy.

/hæv/ /ˈkɒpi/

Actually, I do.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /duː/

They were in the, uh, seat back pockets on my flight

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /siːt/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /flaɪt/

in place of the safety cards.

/pleɪs/ /kɑːrdz/

I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /əˈnaʊns/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/ /ɪz/ /naʊ/

in select airlines across the country.

/sɪˈlɛkt/ /əˈkrɒs/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

And Lufthansa.

/ænd/

Der Bro Code is, like, huge in Germany.

/broʊ/ /koʊd/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/ /hjuːdʒ/

Okay, so prove to me

/pruːv/ /miː/

you can make a female friend.

/juː/ /kæn/ /meɪk/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /frɛnd/

What about her?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/

Ugh! The girl with the bangs?

/ʌɡ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɪð/

Any chick who does that to her hair

/ˈɛn.i/ /tʃɪk/ /huː/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /hɛr/

is going through a big life transition

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /bɪɡ/ /laɪf/

I don't want to hear about.

/wɒnt/ /hɪr/ /əˈbaʊt/

Next time, grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth.

/nɛkst/ /taɪm/ /ɡroʊ/ /jʊr/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /ˈkʌvər/ /jʊr/ /maʊθ/

Ha-pass.

Okay, well...

/wɛl/

what about her?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/

Ugh! Comfortable shoes?

/ʌɡ/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/ /ʃuːz/

What, are you filibustering later?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈleɪtər/

It's after 5:00. Put on some heels.

/ˈæf.tər/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /sʌm/

Ha-pass.

Okay, well, what about...? Ugh!

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ʌɡ/

I haven't even pointed to anyone yet!

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /jɛt/

Now,

/naʊ/

although not expressly stated in the Bro Code,

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

a weird moment between

/ˈmoʊmənt/ /bɪˈtwiːn/

a bro and his bro's fiancée is,

/broʊ/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /ɪz/

in my bropinion... a violation.

/maɪ/

No! Yes! However,

/noʊ/ /haʊˈɛv.ər/

Ted was helping Robin as a friend.

/wɒz/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /frɛnd/

Therefore,

/ˈðɛr.fɔːr/

holding her hand

/ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /hænd/

isn't necessarily a weird moment.

/ˈmoʊmənt/

No! Yes!

/noʊ/

That being said...

/ðæt/ /sɛd/

What?

/wɒt/

...if we decide

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /dɪˈsaɪd/

that holding any friend's hand is weird,

/ðæt/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /hænd/ /ɪz/

then, yes, Ted did break the Bro Code.

/ðɛn/ /dɪd/ /breɪk/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

So, the question is this.

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ɪz/

If Ted had gone to the park

/ɪf/ /hæd/ /ɡɔːn/ /pɑːrk/

and held Barney's hand,

/ænd/ /hænd/

would it have been weird?

/wʊd/ /ɪt/ /hæv/

No? Yes?

/noʊ/

See?

/siː/

It's not weird at all.

/ɔːl/

I don't know what to say.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /seɪ/

Just be yourself.

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Say something nice.

/seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /naɪs/

Which one? I can't do both.

/wɪtʃ/ /duː/ /boʊθ/

Slut alert.

That's my 14-year-old daughter.

/maɪ/ /ˈdɔːtər/

Crappy mom alert.

/mɒm/

Ugh! Ugh!

/ʌɡ/ /ʌɡ/

It's you. Nice bangs.

/juː/ /naɪs/

What is wrong with you?!

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

I can't do this, okay?

/duː/

I was raised as a boy.

/wɒz/ /bɔɪ/

I don't get along with women.

/ɡɛt/ /əˈlɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

Can we just drop it?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /drɒp/ /ɪt/

Okay, I never thought I'd take a page

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /θɔːt/ /teɪk/

out of your fiancé's playbook, but...

/aʊt/ /jʊr/ /bʌt/

it's time to target the crying chick.

/taɪm/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /tʃɪk/

Not weird at all.

/ɔːl/

Marshall, BARNEY: Marshall,

why are we doing this?!

/waɪ/ /wiː/

Two dudes on a beach with a lifeless blob

/tuː/ /ɒn/ /biːtʃ/ /wɪð/

they're pretending is alive?

/ɪz/ /əˈlaɪv/

It's stupid.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/

So, I guess that means

/ɡɛs/ /ðæt/

Weekend at Bernie's is stupid, too.

/ˈwiːkɛnd/ /ɪz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

E-Lawyered.

Now, before

/naʊ/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

I can render a decision,

/kæn/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

we need to recreate the variables

/wiː/ /niːd/

at the carousel as closely as possible.

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

Since Ted says that he was comforting Robin,

/sɪns/ /ðæt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

he needs to do

/hiː/ /duː/

the same for Barney, so, Ted, comfort Barney.

/seɪm/ /fɔːr/

I don't see how that...

/siː/ /haʊ/ /ðæt/

Comfort... Barney.

Barney, what is going on with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Why are you so upset with me?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Marshall, this is stupid! I don't...

/ɪz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Accept the comfort.

/əkˈsɛpt/

Fine!

/faɪn/

I guess... I'm not really mad at you.

/ɡɛs/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /mæd/ /juː/

I'm mad at myself. I should have met Robin

/mæd/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/

at the carousel when she called,

/wɛn/ /ʃiː/

but I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds.

/bʌt/ /wɒz/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

Laser tag.

/ˈleɪzər/

Helpful. Continue.

/kənˈtɪnjuː/

Look, Ted, I'm sorry that I've been taking it out on you.

/lʊk/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /juː/

You were just being a good friend to Robin.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡʊd/ /frɛnd/

It's okay.

It would be different if you still had feelings for her,

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/

but you don't, right?

/bʌt/ /juː/ /raɪt/

Right?

/raɪt/

Okay, now it's weird.

/naʊ/

You still have feelings for Robin?!

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /fɔːr/

What?! What?! What?! What?!

/wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/

Okay, yes, sometimes I do.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /duː/

Well, then, turn 'em off!

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /tɜːrn/ /ɒf/

I would love to, but it doesn't work that way!

/wʊd/ /lʌv/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrk/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

I'm a... I'm a human being. I-I-I don't have an off switch.

/ˈhjuːmən/ /hæv/ /ɒf/ /swɪtʃ/

I'm shutting off.

/ɒf/

There, there.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

Sister?

/ˈsɪs.tər/

Who needs a lady hug?

/huː/ /ˈleɪdi/ /hʌɡ/

Ugh! What the hell are you doing?!

/ʌɡ/ /wɒt/ /juː/

Wait. Did you just "ugh" my hug?

/weɪt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌɡ/ /maɪ/ /hʌɡ/

I don't need a hug.

/niːd/ /hʌɡ/

I'm pissed off because

/ɒf/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

the Rangers just lost to the Boston Bruins.

/dʒʌst/ /lɒst/

I hate the Boston Bruins!

/heɪt/

Look, Barney, I hate these feelings.

/lʊk/ /heɪt/ /ðiːz/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/

I hate myself for having these feelings.

/heɪt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /fɔːr/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ðiːz/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/

No one wishes they would go away more than I do,

/noʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈweɪ/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /duː/

but I just... I... I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried.

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /siːm/ /meɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpən/

Well, then, try harder!

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /traɪ/

I'm marrying her in less than two days!

/ˈmæriɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /lɛs/ /ðæn/ /tuː/

What the hell are we gonna do about this?!

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /duː/ /əˈbaʊt/

As she watched Robin make a new friend, Lily was happy...

/ʃiː/ /wɒtʃt/ /meɪk/ /njuː/ /frɛnd/ /wɒz/ /ˈhæp.i/

for two seconds.

/fɔːr/ /tuː/

Oh, no! Oh, come on, ref!

/noʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished

/ðæt/ /mʌtʃ/ /ɡoʊ/

since my last trip to Vegas.

/sɪns/ /maɪ/ /læst/ /trɪp/

And I was on that trip, because we are best friends now.

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /trɪp/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wiː/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /naʊ/

Hey,

this might sound a little nutty, but

/maɪt/ /saʊnd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /bʌt/

how about we inject a sexual edge

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wiː/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/

into our abiding friendship that...

/aʊər/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/ /ðæt/

...in no way jeopardizes our emotional connection,

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /aʊər/ /ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/

or respective marriages?!

Aw!

Hell, no!

/noʊ/

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I've got a Boston Brewin', if you know what I mean.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

You listen, and you listen good.

/juː/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ɡʊd/

If I see your face around Robin again,

/ɪf/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/ /əˈraʊnd/ /əˈɡɛn/

you will be crying about a lot more

/juː/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /lɒt/ /mɔːr/

than your precious New York Rogers.

/ðæn/ /jʊr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Rangers? I will cut you!

/wɪl/ /kʌt/ /juː/

Forgot my purse.

/fərˈɡɒt/ /maɪ/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

That's why I only need you.

/waɪ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /niːd/ /juː/

'Cause you're a psycho.

/kɔːz/

My psycho.

/maɪ/

I am, aren't I? Mm-hmm.

There's the blushing bride!

/braɪd/

Back off, Patrice!

/bæk/ /ɒf/

Look, Barney, the truth is, it was weird at the carousel.

/lʊk/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

On some level, it's probably been weird

/ɒn/ /sʌm/ /ˈlɛv.əl/ /ˈprɒbəbli/

between me and Robin ever since we broke up.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /miː/ /ænd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /wiː/ /ʌp/

But you're my brother.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

I would never do anything

/wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

to hurt you, ever.

/hɜːrt/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

I mean it, I swear!

/miːn/ /ɪt/ /swɛər/

I'll-I'll even swear it on the Bro Code.

/ˈiːvən/ /swɛər/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

The Bro Code's stupid.

/broʊ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

How dare you!

/haʊ/ /juː/

I'd be honored.

/biː/

I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /ðæt/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /pleɪs/ /wɛr/ /ɪt/ /biː/

at least a little weird between me and Robin.

/liːst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /miː/ /ænd/

But I don't want to lose you as a friend, either of you.

/bʌt/ /wɒnt/ /luːz/ /juː/ /frɛnd/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /juː/

So I will do everything I can

/wɪl/ /duː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /kæn/

to move on and live with it.

/muːv/ /ɒn/ /ænd/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

The question is... can you?

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ɪz/ /kæn/ /juː/

I'm sorry, Ted. I just... can't do this.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/ /duː/

I fold.

/foʊld/

What about the best man?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

I fold, too.

/foʊld/

I fold.

/foʊld/

There goes my belly buster.

/ðɛr/ /ɡoʊz/ /maɪ/

You sandbag all night,

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

only to bluff a couple of rags, pre-flop,

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈkʌpəl/

and wind up with a dry board.

/ænd/ /wɪnd/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /draɪ/ /bɔːrd/

That's what you get

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

for limping in shorts-tacked with a pack of donkeys.

/fɔːr/ /wɪð/

Muck city.

/ˈsɪt.i/

I fold!

/foʊld/

Yeah... Oh, right. I knew that.

/raɪt/ /njuː/ /ðæt/

I knew that, I knew that, I knew that.

/njuː/ /ðæt/ /njuː/ /ðæt/ /njuː/ /ðæt/

Okay, two players left.

/tuː/ /lɛft/

You are bluffing, robot man.

/juː/ /ˈroʊbɒt/ /mæn/

I raise.

/reɪz/

Oh.

Hey, Billy, do you mind

/duː/ /juː/ /maɪnd/

pushing my chips into the center of the pot?

/maɪ/ /pɒt/

Preferably with gusto, because...

/wɪð/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

I'm all in!

/ɔːl/