Season 9 · Tập 6

Kids, as you know, Lily and Marshall had decided

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ænd/ /hæd/

to move to Rome after Barney and Robin's wedding.

/muːv/ /roʊm/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ænd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

We're going to Italy.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɪtəli/

Si. Si.

But without telling Lily,

/bʌt/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

Marshall had then accepted a judgeship in New York.

/hæd/ /ðɛn/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Good luck with that... Your Honor.

/ɡʊd/ /lʌk/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/

Until his always-helpful road trip companion

/ənˈtɪl/ /hɪz/ /roʊd/ /trɪp/

Daphne had selflessly come to his aid.

/hæd/ /kʌm/ /hɪz/

You texted Lily that I took the job?

/juː/ /ðæt/ /tʊk/ /dʒɒb/

You're welcome.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

You were torturing yourself

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

figuring out how to tell her,

/aʊt/ /haʊ/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/

I just broke the ice for you.

/dʒʌst/ /aɪs/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

I was standing on that ice.

/wɒz/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /aɪs/

Now I'm gonna be bobbing,

/naʊ/ /biː/

facedown on a frigid creek.

/ɒn/

I do not need to know the nasty way you apologize to your wife.

/duː/ /niːd/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /juː/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /jʊr/ /waɪf/

And frigid? Maybe you're just doing it wrong.

/ænd/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

Hi, baby.

/ˈbeɪbi/

I can't believe you did this behind my back.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /maɪ/ /bæk/

I know, I should have talked to you.

/noʊ/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /juː/

Thanks to you, we are stuck

/juː/ /wiː/ /stʌk/

all weekend in the room with a ghost in it.

/ɔːl/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/ /ruːm/ /wɪð/ /ɡoʊst/ /ɪt/

Room with a...?

/ruːm/ /wɪð/

We got 13?

/wiː/

The room that's haunted by the ghost of Captain Dearduff?

/ruːm/ /ɡoʊst/ /ˈkæptɪn/

Who got the who with the what now?

/huː/ /huː/ /wɪð/ /wɒt/ /naʊ/

Marshall had recently discovered

/hæd/ /ˈriːsəntli/

that the Farhampton Inn was featured

/ðæt/ /ˈfɑːrhæmptən/ /wɒz/

in an episode of The Ghost Network's original series,

/ɡoʊst/ /əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/ /ˈsɪəriːz/

True & Real Ghost Stories of the Supernatural.

/truː/ /riːl/ /ɡoʊst/ /ˈstɔːriz/

Ooh, there, see?

/ðɛr/ /siː/

The Farhampton Inn.

/ˈfɑːrhæmptən/

I told you it sounded familiar.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ɪt/ /fəˈmɪliər/

In 1843,

the streets of Farhampton, Long Island

/ˈfɑːrhæmptən/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

were stalked by a vicious killer

/wɜːr/

named Captain Blazeby Dearduff.

/neɪmd/ /ˈkæptɪn/

Dubbed "Dearduff the Hooker," he murdered dozens

/hiː/

of unwary travelers with his sharpened hook.

/wɪð/ /hɪz/

Ironically that hook

/ðæt/

would prove Dearduff's own undoing

/wʊd/ /pruːv/ /oʊn/

one wintry night in room 13

/naɪt/ /ruːm/

of the Farhampton Inn.

/ˈfɑːrhæmptən/

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

He was found the next morning, frozen to death.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /nɛkst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /ˈfroʊzən/ /dɛθ/

Boom! Boom!

Some say you can still hear Captain Dearduff's cries coming

/sʌm/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /hɪr/ /ˈkæptɪn/

from room 13.

/ruːm/

Cold.

/koʊld/

So cold.

/koʊld/

Help me... help me...

/hɛlp/ /miː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/

We can see you, Ron.

/wiː/ /kæn/ /siː/ /juː/

Some say you can still hear the thump of his peg

/sʌm/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /hɪr/ /hɪz/

and the scrape of his hook.

/ænd/ /hɪz/

Others say Dearduff the Hooker was just

/ˈʌðərz/ /seɪ/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/

a popular male prostitute who murdered no one

/ˈpɒpjʊlər/ /meɪl/ /huː/ /noʊ/

and died of syphilis in 1848.

/ænd/ /daɪd/

Let's hear from some people who have

/hɪr/ /sʌm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /huː/ /hæv/

actually survived a night in room 13.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /naɪt/ /ruːm/

Did I see a ghost?

/dɪd/ /siː/ /ɡoʊst/

- Of course... - Yes.

/kɔːrs/

There's... Are.

...such thing as ghosts.

/sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/

So, have you seen the ghost?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ɡoʊst/

Not yet, but that might just be

/jɛt/ /bʌt/ /ðæt/ /maɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/

because ghosts don't exist, Marshall!

/bɪˈkɔːz/

So explain the night shirt

/ɪkˈspleɪn/ /naɪt/ /ʃɜːrt/

we saw flying around our cabin in the Poconos.

/wiː/ /sɔː/ /əˈraʊnd/ /aʊər/

An owl got stuck in it.

/stʌk/ /ɪt/

We saw it fly out the neck hole.

/wiː/ /sɔː/ /ɪt/ /flaɪ/ /aʊt/ /nɛk/

Yeah, the ghost of an owl that died in that cabin.

/ɡoʊst/ /ðæt/ /daɪd/ /ðæt/

Plus it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain...

/plʌs/ /ruːm/ /bʌt/ /wɛn/ /kəmˈpleɪn/

The thermostat in my room is broken.

/maɪ/ /ruːm/ /ɪz/

The AC won't turn off.

/tɜːrn/ /ɒf/

Ooh! Ooh!

Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff.

/laɪk/ /wɜːrk/ /ˈkæptɪn/

He brings with him the icy chill of death.

/hiː/ /brɪŋz/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/ /dɛθ/

So... bad luck there.

/bæd/ /lʌk/ /ðɛr/

Night-night.

It sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈkæptɪn/

as an excuse for a crappy room.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /fɔːr/ /ruːm/

I beg your pardon.

/jʊr/

I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk

/dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /biː/ /naɪt/

by making excuses.

Now, if there is anything wrong with your room

/naʊ/ /ɪf/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

that isn't ghost-related,

/ðæt/

I'm more than happy to address it.

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ɪt/

Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.

/wɜːrk/

Ghosts interfere with electronic devices.

/wɪð/ /ɪˌlɛkˈtrɒnɪk/

The shower's leaking.

Dearduff likes the sound of dripping.

/saʊnd/

Reminds him of his bleeding victims.

/hɪm/ /hɪz/

And the door won't lock.

/ænd/ /dɔːr/ /lɒk/

Captain Dearduff doesn't want to...

/ˈkæptɪn/ /wɒnt/

you know, be locked out of his room.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /biː/ /aʊt/ /hɪz/ /ruːm/

Why would a locked door keep a ghost out?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /dɔːr/ /kiːp/ /ɡoʊst/ /aʊt/

Can't he just walk through walls?

/hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɔːk/ /θruː/

Maybe he's afraid of rats.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /əˈfreɪd/

There are rats in the walls?

/ðɛr/

No.

/noʊ/

And the inn's booked up because of the wedding,

/ænd/ /ʌp/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

so we can't change rooms.

/wiː/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Oh, that sucks.

/ðæt/

I'm sorry, baby.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Hey...

but if Dearduff does manifest,

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /dʌz/

you know the proper way to harvest ectoplasm, right?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /raɪt/

Hey, good news-- we're all set for the dove release.

/ɡʊd/ /njuːz/ /ɔːl/ /sɛt/ /fɔːr/

The what? When we leave the church,

/wɒt/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /liːv/ /tʃɜːrtʃ/

they're gonna release a hundred doves.

/ˈhʌndrəd/

It's gonna be avi-wait-for-it-ary.

/biː/

Aviary!

Oh. Oh.

That might be a problem. Why?

/ðæt/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /waɪ/

Because when we leave the church,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /liːv/ /tʃɜːrtʃ/

a few of the gun enthusiasts in my family

/fjuː/ /ɡʌn/ /maɪ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

are gonna fire a 21-gun salute.

/faɪər/ /ɡʌn/

Hey, man.

/mæn/

Oh, look-- one got away.

/lʊk/ /əˈweɪ/

Can't you guys just fire blanks?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪər/

At a wedding?

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Yeah, that's romantic.

/roʊˈmæntɪk/

Ted! Ted!

What the hell are you doing in my room?!

/wɒt/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /ruːm/

Uh... Uh...

There was an explanation.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/

You see, after Marshall got off the phone with Lily,

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɒf/ /foʊn/ /wɪð/

he'd called me.

/miː/

Hey, buddy. What's up?

/ˈbʌdi/ /ʌp/

Ted, listen, I need you to sneak into Lily's room,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /niːd/ /juː/ /ruːm/

find her phone, and delete the last text she got.

/faɪnd/ /hɜːr/ /foʊn/ /ænd/ /læst/ /tɛkst/ /ʃiː/

Why? What's...

/waɪ/

Ted, I need you to do this

/niːd/ /juː/ /duː/

no questions asked.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

And as we both know, you owe me a "No Questions Asked."

/ænd/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Hey.

Hey. Listen, I need you to do something for me

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /niːd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

no questions asked, okay? What is it?

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Meet me at the corner of 53rd and 8th.

/miːt/ /miː/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /ænd/

Bring your drill.

/brɪŋ/ /jʊr/

Marshall. Marshall.

What the hell?

/wɒt/

How did you...

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/

No...

/noʊ/

questions... asked.

/ˈkwɛstʃənz/

I broke federal law drilling you out of that mailbox.

/lɔː/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/

Hey, I was a man in need.

/wɒz/ /mæn/ /niːd/

I know. You were a "Priority Male."

/noʊ/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /meɪl/

You said you'd

/juː/ /sɛd/

stop doing that joke after the editor

/stɒp/ /ðæt/ /dʒoʊk/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈɛdɪtər/

of Bazooka Joe comics rejected it.

/ɪt/

That man is a comedy snob.

/ðæt/ /mæn/ /ɪz/ /ˈkɒmədi/

The point is,

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

you owe me a "No Questions Asked."

/juː/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Okay, okay! I'll delete the text.

/tɛkst/

Thank you.

/juː/

I just have to figure out

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /aʊt/

how to get into Lily's room.

/haʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ruːm/

Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...

/ˈiː.zi/ /lɒk/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/ /dɔːr/ /ɪz/

The drainpipe! What?

/wɒt/

There's a drainpipe that runs up near her window,

/ðæt/ /ʌp/ /nɪər/ /hɜːr/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

and, no big deal, I can totally climb it.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/ /kæn/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /klaɪm/ /ɪt/

I'll call you when it's done.

/kɔːl/ /juː/ /wɛn/ /dʌn/

Her door is unlock...

/hɜːr/ /dɔːr/ /ɪz/

Uh... Uh...

Marshall wanted me to check on you.

/miː/ /tʃɛk/ /ɒn/ /juː/

He was worried that you might be scared

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈwʌrid/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /skɛrd/

all alone in the ghost room.

/ɔːl/ /əˈloʊn/ /ɡoʊst/ /ruːm/

Remind me to call you next time

/rɪˈmaɪnd/ /miː/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /nɛkst/ /taɪm/

Marvin has a nightmare-- you can calm him

/hæz/ /juː/ /kæn/ /kɑːm/ /hɪm/

by bursting into his room with a chain saw and a hockey mask!

/hɪz/ /ruːm/ /wɪð/ /sɔː/ /ænd/ /ˈhɒki/

Sorry, I didn't want to knock in case you were already asleep,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒnt/ /nɒk/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /əˈsliːp/

so I just climbed the drainpipe up to your window.

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

No big deal. Mm, opened the latch

/noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

with this here coat hanger.

/wɪð/ /hɪr/ /koʊt/

I would have called, but, uh...

/wʊd/ /hæv/ /bʌt/

well, I didn't know if you'd have your phone handy.

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /hæv/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/

Say, where is that old phone of yours?

/seɪ/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /oʊld/ /foʊn/ /jɔːrz/

Ted, I am not scared,

/skɛrd/

so why don't you head back to your room...

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hɛd/ /bæk/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

Oh...

kay...

Why, I guess you can stay until I fall asleep,

/waɪ/ /ɡɛs/ /juː/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /ənˈtɪl/ /fɔːl/ /əˈsliːp/

if it'll make you feel better?

/ɪf/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

A-And...

maybe if it'll make you feel even better,

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪf/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby?

/juː/ /kæn/ /sɪŋ/ /miː/ /ˈvɜːrʒən/

Okay.

♪ Night-night, little Lily

/ˈlɪt.əl/

♪ No ifs, ands or buts

/noʊ/

♪ No peg-legged ghost is waiting ♪

/noʊ/ /ɡoʊst/ /ɪz/

♪ To hook out your guts.

/aʊt/ /jʊr/ /ɡʌts/

Ted! Ted!

Sorry. Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Nighty-night.

Cold...

/koʊld/

So cold.

/koʊld/

Help me.

/hɛlp/ /miː/

Help me...

/hɛlp/ /miː/

Oh, God, the Hooker's here! Ted,

/hɪr/

I am not gonna cheat on Robin.

/ɒn/

But you're a hell of a best man for getting me one, buddy.

/bʌt/ /bɛst/ /mæn/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /miː/ /ˈbʌdi/

Where is she?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/

All right, I'll take a lap dance.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /teɪk/ /læp/ /dæns/

Can I borrow some sweatpants?

/kæn/ /sʌm/

Barney, what are you doing in there?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ðɛr/

Marshall asked me

/miː/

to do something for him, no questions asked.

/duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /hɪm/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Sidebar-- I forgot to get my cousin David

/fərˈɡɒt/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /ˈkʌzɪn/

something for his bar mitzvah last week.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /hɪz/ /bɑːr/ /læst/ /wiːk/

Could you send the hooker to his room?

/kʊd/ /juː/ /sɛnd/ /hɪz/ /ruːm/

Wait, Marshall called you, too?

/weɪt/ /juː/

Turns out I wasn't Marshall's first call.

/aʊt/ /fɜːrst/ /kɔːl/

Can't you guys just fire blanks?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪər/

At a wedding?

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Yeah, that's romantic.

/roʊˈmæntɪk/

I just wish I would've

/dʒʌst/ /wɪʃ/

known about the guns. Well,

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɡʌnz/ /wɛl/

I wish I'd known about the doves.

/wɪʃ/ /əˈbaʊt/

That's the problem with us-- we don't think

/ˈprɒbləm/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /wiː/ /θɪŋk/

about checking in with the other person before doing something.

/əˈbaʊt/ /wɪð/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Honestly, I think

/ˈɒnɪstli/ /θɪŋk/

that's what broke us up the first time.

/wɒt/ /ʌs/ /ʌp/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/

We're both... lone wolves--

/boʊθ/

always off in our own worlds.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɒf/ /aʊər/ /oʊn/

That's not gonna work.

/wɜːrk/

Not in a marriage, no.

/ˈmærɪdʒ/ /noʊ/

What? Sorry, I was thinking about getting the doves

/wɒt/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

little Kevlar tuxedos, but that's not gonna work--

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /bʌt/ /wɜːrk/

there's no time for a fitting.

/noʊ/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/

Hey.

Listen, I need you to get to Lily's phone

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /niːd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /foʊn/

without her seeing, and delete the last text she got.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /læst/ /tɛkst/ /ʃiː/

Why? What did you...

/waɪ/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/

And I need you to do it

/ænd/ /niːd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

no questions asked.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

As you'll recall, you owe me a "No Questions Asked."

/juː/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Hello?

Marshall, I need you to rush to the Macy's in Herald Square,

/niːd/ /juː/

find the utility closet on the third floor,

/faɪnd/ /ɒn/ /flɔːr/

and bring me the following things:

/ænd/ /brɪŋ/ /miː/ /θɪŋz/

a clean pair of underwear, a clean pair of pants,

/kliːn/ /kliːn/ /pænts/

a box of moist towelettes, hand sanitizer,

/bɒks/ /hænd/

and a garbage bag, no questions asked.

/ænd/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /bæɡ/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

You deuced your pants.

/juː/ /jʊr/ /pænts/

Never mind.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪnd/

Ha. You didn't wind up helping me, so it doesn't count.

/juː/ /wɪnd/ /ʌp/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /miː/ /ɪt/ /kaʊnt/

Yes, I'm the one Face!

/feɪs/

who should be embarrassed by that story.

/huː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ɪmˈbærəst/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/

But that wasn't the time I meant.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

This was last fall.

/wɒz/ /læst/ /fɔːl/

Hey, I got here as fast as I could.

/hɪr/ /fæst/ /kʊd/

Are you okay? Yeah, fine.

/juː/ /faɪn/

Th-These quacks said I was...

/sɛd/ /wɒz/

unfit to leave on my own. Blah, blah, blah.

/liːv/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

"Danger to myself." Blah, blah, blah.

/maɪˈsɛlf/

"Whoever signs me out is legally responsible for my actions."

/miː/ /aʊt/ /ɪz/ /rɪˈspɒnsɪbl/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

I just need you to sign me out.

/dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /juː/ /saɪn/ /miː/ /aʊt/

What the hell happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

I said no questions asked.

/sɛd/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Star, clover, horseshoe.

/stɑːr/

Barney, did you swallow real versions

/dɪd/ /juː/ /riːl/

of all the Lucky Charms items?

/ɔːl/ /ˈlʌki/

No... questions... asked.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying.

/naʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /bɑːr/

I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare.

/dʒʌst/ /wʌn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɒn/

Fine, I'll delete the text.

/faɪn/ /tɛkst/

But how am I supposed to get into Lily's room?

/bʌt/ /haʊ/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /ɡɛt/ /ruːm/

Easy. The lock on her door is busted...

/ˈiː.zi/ /lɒk/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/ /dɔːr/ /ɪz/

Air ducts! What?

/ɛr/ /wɒt/

I'll use the system of air ducts to get in her room,

/juːz/ /ˈsɪstəm/ /ɛr/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ruːm/

just like the bad guy in Die Hard.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪ/ /daɪ/ /hɑːrd/

Barney, Bruce Willis is not the bad guy in Die H...

/ɪz/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪ/ /daɪ/

Not important. The point is, the door is not lock...

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /dɔːr/ /ɪz/ /lɒk/

I'll call you when it's done.

/kɔːl/ /juː/ /wɛn/ /dʌn/

Anyway, I was saying,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wɒz/

I think we need to be better about talking to each other

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /biː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /əˈbaʊt/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

before doing stuff.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /stʌf/

Can't talk. Doing stuff.

/tɔːk/ /stʌf/

What is going on?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Barney, what are you doing in there?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ðɛr/

Uh, well, there is a story there.

/wɛl/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ðɛr/

It involves a trained Guatemalan kinkajou,

/ɪt/

a Bolshoi Ballet prima ballerina

and Olympic gold medalist Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard.

/ænd/

Tell her, Ted.

/tɛl/ /hɜːr/

Uh... Uh...

uh... uh...

uh... The kinkajou...

the kinkajou...

Oh, God, what is it now?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

Good evening, Ms. Aldrin.

/ɡʊd/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/

I didn't order room service.

/ˈɔːrdər/ /ruːm/

It says right here, room 13.

/ɪt/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/ /ruːm/

Lobster, caviar, champagne.

/ʃæmˈpeɪn/

$400?!

I didn't order any of this.

/ˈɔːrdər/ /ˈɛn.i/

Maybe Dearduff the Hooker ordered it.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈɔːrdərd/ /ɪt/

Well, I'm not paying for room service the Hooker ordered!

/wɛl/ /fɔːr/ /ruːm/ /ˈɔːrdərd/

- I've been there. - Okay,

/ðɛr/

you know what? I need to talk to the manager.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/

All right, where's that damn phone?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ðæt/ /foʊn/

You, too?!

/juː/

- Hey. - Robin,

I need you to delete the last text

/niːd/ /juː/ /læst/ /tɛkst/

that Lily got before she sees it.

/ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ʃiː/ /ɪt/

Bro, it's my wedding weekend.

/broʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

Just because you didn't know better

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

than to take a naked selfie

/ðæn/ /teɪk/

while you were in the coldest part of the country...

/waɪl/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /pɑːrt/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

First, I'm an Eriksen.

/fɜːrst/

Cold has a plumping effect.

/koʊld/ /hæz/

Second, you owe me a "No Questions Asked."

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /juː/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

All right, I'm-I'm at the alley near 22nd and 2nd. Now what?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /nɪər/ /ænd/ /naʊ/ /wɒt/

No questions asked. Tell me about that giant trout

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

you and your dad caught ice-fishing that one time.

/juː/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /dæd/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

Well, it was more beast than trout.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/

Fought us for three hours and nearly dragged us both

/ʌs/ /fɔːr/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /ænd/ /ˈnɪərli/ /ʌs/ /boʊθ/

into Lake Winnibigoshish.

/leɪk/

It was this big, and...

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bɪɡ/ /ænd/

Hey.

Run!

/rʌn/

I never asked you who those weirdos were,

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /juː/ /huː/ /ðoʊz/ /wɜːr/

why they kept calling you Night Falcon

/waɪ/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /juː/ /naɪt/

or even what was in those darts that they were blowing at us.

/ˈiːvən/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ðoʊz/ /ðæt/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /ʌs/

Your vision came back, didn't it?

/jʊr/ /bæk/ /ɪt/

Wuss.

Fine, I'll take care of it.

/faɪn/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/ /ɪt/

Just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /aʊt/ /haʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ruːm/

Her door doesn't lock. You can just...

/hɜːr/ /dɔːr/ /lɒk/ /juː/ /kæn/ /dʒʌst/

Room service!

/ruːm/

Night Falcon, you're a genius.

/naɪt/

I'll call you when it's done.

/kɔːl/ /juː/ /wɛn/ /dʌn/

Why would he call

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /hiː/ /kɔːl/

you guys before me? Well, dude,

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /miː/ /wɛl/

you're not great in a crisis.

/ɡreɪt/

What was that story you were prattling on about?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ɒn/ /əˈbaʊt/

What the hell is a kinkajou?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/

Okay, let's just find it before she gets back.

/dʒʌst/ /faɪnd/ /ɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɛts/ /bæk/

I'm sorry, ma'am.

/ˈsɒr.i/

You ordered it, so you have to pay for it.

/juː/ /ˈɔːrdərd/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /peɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Not to mention the room damage you're responsible for.

/ˈmɛnʃən/ /ruːm/ /rɪˈspɒnsɪbl/ /fɔːr/

I've got a report here:

/rɪˈpɔːrt/ /hɪr/

broken lock, faulty Wi-Fi,

/lɒk/

you've taken several items from the minibar...

/ˈsɛv.ər.əl/

There is no minibar.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/

Stolen minibar.

It's not here.

/hɪr/

Well, where else would it be?

/wɛl/ /wɛr/ /ɛls/ /wʊd/ /ɪt/ /biː/

Okay.

I think it's time I call my lawyer.

/θɪŋk/ /taɪm/ /kɔːl/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɔːjər/

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Okay, we need to get to Lily's phone before she sees that text.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /foʊn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ʃiː/ /ðæt/ /tɛkst/

I'm on it. Night Falcon is on it.

/ɒn/ /ɪt/ /naɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Good thing I packed my unitard.

/ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /maɪ/

This is exactly what we always do, isn't it?

/ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Yeah. Yeah.

We were both gonna bolt off and lone wolf it

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /boʊθ/ /ɒf/ /ænd/ /ɪt/

without telling the other person a thing.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /θɪŋ/

Why do we do that? I don't know.

/waɪ/ /duː/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/

Maybe we're just incapable of working as a unit.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

You know...

/juː/ /noʊ/

I bet even lone wolves can learn to work together.

/bɛt/ /ˈiːvən/ /kæn/ /lɜːrn/ /wɜːrk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I'd like to think so.

/laɪk/ /θɪŋk/

They could build their little woodland den together.

/ðeɪ/ /kʊd/ /bɪld/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Roam together.

/təˈɡɛð.ər/

Hunt together.

/təˈɡɛð.ər/

Lure prey into a tight corner and...

/taɪt/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /ænd/

Snap its limbs with our powerful jaws

/ɪts/ /wɪð/ /aʊər/ /ˈpaʊərfəl/

and watch the life drain from its eyes.

/ænd/ /wɒtʃ/ /laɪf/ /ɪts/ /aɪz/

Aw... Aw...

Point is, we're gonna make a great team.

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /meɪk/ /ɡreɪt/ /tiːm/

We'll just need some practice.

/dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /sʌm/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/

Yeah. Yeah, let's prove that we believe in marriage

/pruːv/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

by working together

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

to help Marshall hide something from his wife.

/hɛlp/ /haɪd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hɪz/ /waɪf/

First, we take position in the lobby.

/fɜːrst/ /wiː/ /teɪk/ /pəˈzɪʃən/ /ˈlɒbi/

Then you cause a distraction.

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /kɔːz/

Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone.

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /sɛnd/ /ɡræb/ /foʊn/

The dove drops the phone into your hand.

/foʊn/ /jʊr/ /hænd/

You delete the text

/juː/ /tɛkst/

and toss it back on the counter.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /ɒn/

Wait. Khoan.

/weɪt/

It's absolutely insane...

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

...how foolproof this plan is!

/haʊ/ /plæn/ /ɪz/

Sometimes it's best to just go simple.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /bɛst/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

Yep. Yep.

Wh-Why do you have a gun?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɡʌn/

Why do you always have a gun?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæv/ /ɡʌn/

Where's Lily?

She went up 20 minutes ago.

/ʃiː/ /wɛnt/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡoʊ/

You're kidding.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Courtney Dove, no!

/noʊ/

I already lost Kurt Coo-bain!

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /lɒst/

I can't lose you as well.

/luːz/ /juː/ /wɛl/

Great. How are we gonna get Lily's phone back now?

/ɡreɪt/ /haʊ/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /foʊn/ /bæk/ /naʊ/

Oh, I already took care of that.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /tʊk/ /kɛr/ /ðæt/

And now I'm rewarding myself

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

with some of the inn's finest brandy.

/wɪð/ /sʌm/

Bottoms up.

/ʌp/

Well, thank you.

/wɛl/ /juː/

No, no, that's a warning.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

The dove's about to...

/əˈbaʊt/

What happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Well...

/wɛl/

I think it's time I call my lawyer.

/θɪŋk/ /taɪm/ /kɔːl/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɔːjər/

Hi, baby.

/ˈbeɪbi/

You are never gonna believe this, but...

/juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈliːv/ /bʌt/

Uh, someone sent me a text.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /sɛnt/ /miː/ /tɛkst/

Lily, stop!

/stɒp/

Why?

/waɪ/

Because...

/bɪˈkɔːz/

because...

/bɪˈkɔːz/

And that's when I realized

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/

that the answer had been there all along.

/ðæt/ /ˈæn.sər/ /hæd/ /ðɛr/ /ɔːl/ /əˈlɒŋ/

Throw your phone on the ground and smash it with your foot.

/θroʊ/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/ /ɒn/ /ɡraʊnd/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /fʊt/

What? No. I need you

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /niːd/ /juː/

to do this no questions asked.

/duː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

You owe me a "No Questions Asked."

/juː/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Hey, Lil. What's... Ted, I need you

/niːd/ /juː/

to come to my classroom right now

/kʌm/ /maɪ/ /ˈklæsruːm/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter.

/wɪð/ /tuː/ /ænd/ /bɒks/

No questions asked.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Lily, I brought the...

Oh-oh, my God.

/maɪ/

Ted, Ted,

put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader,

/pʊt/ /fiːt/ /ðɛr/

then cut me loose.

/ðɛn/ /kʌt/ /miː/

Don't make eye contact!

/meɪk/ /aɪ/ /ˈkɒntækt/

Ted... Ted...

No... questions... asked.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Well, interesting that I was the one who fixed everything

/wɛl/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /huː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

even though Marshall called me...

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /miː/

- third. - Ninth,

as I found out later, but I won't go into it.

/aʊt/ /ˈleɪtər/ /bʌt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɪt/

The important thing is what happened

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

right after the untimely death of Lily's phone.

/raɪt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /dɛθ/ /foʊn/

So you're saying you didn't order room service

/juː/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ruːm/

and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine?

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ˈprɪzən/

I am saying I did not order room service.

/dɪd/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ruːm/

It is done. By me.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /dʌn/ /miː/

Your third call.

/jʊr/ /kɔːl/

Actually, you were...

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

Thank you. H-How did you do it?

/juː/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

I called in a "No Questions Asked" with Lily.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /wɪð/

But, wait, why didn't you do that?

/bʌt/ /weɪt/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

You must have, like, a million of those.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /hæv/ /laɪk/ /ˈmɪljən/ /ðoʊz/

And Marshall thought back.

/ænd/ /θɔːt/ /bæk/

Hello?

Hey, baby, it's me.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /miː/

Um, can you come bail me out of jail?

/kæn/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /miː/ /aʊt/

I thought I saw Bigfoot in Central Park

/θɔːt/ /sɔː/ /pɑːrk/

and so I tackled him,

/ænd/ /hɪm/

but it turned out to be Russell Brand.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /biː/

Hey...

Oh, do you mind looking up our vaccination records?

/duː/ /juː/ /maɪnd/ /ʌp/ /aʊər/

I tried to hug a raccoon.

/hʌɡ/

Hey, babe, um,

/beɪb/

could you dig up our warranty?

/kʊd/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /aʊər/

I took the TV apart, and I made

/tʊk/ /ænd/

a robot out of it.

/ˈroʊbɒt/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

Hello?

Hey.

I tackled Russell Brand again.

/əˈɡɛn/

I've never asked Lily to do anything no questions asked

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

because...

/bɪˈkɔːz/

I've never wanted to.

/ˈnɛv.ər/

She's the love of my life.

/lʌv/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I never keep anything from her.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /kiːp/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

Ted, put Lily on the phone.

/pʊt/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/

Hey. It's Marshall.

Want to tell me what's going on?

/wɒnt/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Yes.

I was offered a judgeship in New York.

/wɒz/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

And I took it.

/ænd/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/

Even though we already agreed to move to Rome.

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /wiː/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /muːv/ /roʊm/

I'm gonna be a judge.

/biː/ /dʒʌdʒ/

Lily? Lily?

You know, Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /bɪˈliːv/

and I'm not sure anyone died in our room,

/ænd/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /daɪd/ /aʊər/ /ruːm/

but someone's going to.

/bʌt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

"And I see in your eyes the emerald reefs

/ænd/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/

"of the primordial seas afroth

"with the first stirrings of life,

/wɪð/ /fɜːrst/ /laɪf/

"infinite in mystery and miracle.

/ˈmɪstəri/ /ænd/

"Forever yours,

/fərˈɛvər/ /jɔːrz/

"the guy you met at the drugstore an hour ago.