Season 9 · Tập 7

Kids, Barney's mom had this blouse

/kɪdz/ /mɒm/ /hæd/

that she absolutely loved,

/ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /lʌvd/

but then Robin won it in a poker game,

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wʌn/ /ɪt/ /ɡeɪm/

which led to some slight awkwardness.

/wɪtʃ/ /sʌm/

You won the battle... but I'll win the war.

/juː/ /wʌn/ /bʌt/ /wɪn/ /wɔːr/

Game on, bitch.

/ɡeɪm/ /ɒn/

Please, Mom, I need you to just be cool.

/pliːz/ /mɒm/ /niːd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /kuːl/

Okay, can you do that for me?

/kæn/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

For you, yes.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

And for Robin?

/ænd/ /fɔːr/

She's gonna be

/biː/

your daughter in 33 hours.

/jʊr/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /ˈaʊərz/

Daughter in law.

/ˈdɔːtər/ /lɔː/

Making it illegal

/ɪt/ /ɪˈliːɡəl/

for you not to treat her like a daughter.

/fɔːr/ /juː/ /triːt/ /hɜːr/ /laɪk/ /ˈdɔːtər/

In-lawyered.

Please, Mom.

/pliːz/ /mɒm/

All Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her

/ɔːl/ /duː/ /ɪz/ /pʊt/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /hɜːr/

so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her.

/ʃiː/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/ /ænd/ /pʊt/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /hɜːr/

Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly so-we-can

move-past-how-awkward-it-was that-I-just-said-that five!

/faɪv/

Fine. If Robin's ready to bury the hatchet,

/faɪn/ /ɪf/ /ˈrɛd.i/

then I guess I'm ready to bury the hatchet.

/ðɛn/ /ɡɛs/ /ˈrɛd.i/

Morning, bitches. Like my new blouse?

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /njuː/

Oh, hell, no! No, Mom. Mom!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /mɒm/ /mɒm/

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Kids, not far from the Farhampton Inn,

/kɪdz/ /fɑːr/ /ˈfɑːrhæmptən/

there's a lighthouse.

It's a really special place,

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /pleɪs/

and that morning I wanted to see it for myself.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

There was just one problem.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but

/lʊk/ /ˈsɒr.i/

I can't in good faith send a lonely guy like yourself

/ɡʊd/ /sɛnd/ /ˈloʊnli/ /ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

to the top of a very romantic,

/tɒp/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse.

/ænd/ /mɔːr/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /tɔːl/

I don't want your blood on my hands,

/wɒnt/ /jʊr/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /hændz/

and I mean that literally, because it would be my job to...

/ænd/ /miːn/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/

to hose down the rocks.

/daʊn/

Now, late the night before,

/naʊ/ /leɪt/ /naɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne,

/ˈtrævəl/

Lily had received some unsettling news.

/hæd/ /sʌm/ /njuːz/

I'm gonna be a judge.

/biː/ /dʒʌdʒ/

Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy.

/ʌp/ /ðɛr/ /hoʊl/ /plæn/ /muːv/ /ˈɪtəli/

She wasn't happy.

/ʃiː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

/noʊ/ /wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Yes, this has booze in it.

/hæz/ /ɪt/

No, it's not my first.

/noʊ/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/

You want to make this brunch a drunch?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /brʌntʃ/

You do you, I'm not gonna judge.

/juː/ /duː/ /juː/ /dʒʌdʒ/

I'm gonna be a judge.

/biː/ /dʒʌdʒ/

Judge.

/dʒʌdʒ/

Thank you, Linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

As for Marshall and Daphne,

/fɔːr/ /ænd/

they got caught in that big storm.

/ðeɪ/ /ðæt/ /bɪɡ/ /stɔːrm/

Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night.

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /pleɪs/ /fɔːr/ /naɪt/

My childhood home.

/maɪ/ /ˈtʃaɪldhʊd/ /hoʊm/

Okay, that sign might not have been there.

/ðæt/ /saɪn/ /maɪt/ /hæv/ /ðɛr/

Thank you so much for letting us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/ /steɪ/ /naɪt/ /ˈmɪsɪz/

Oh, it's our pleasure.

/aʊər/

I'm just glad that storm has passed. Oh.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡlæd/ /ðæt/ /stɔːrm/ /hæz/

But there's one storm that hasn't passed,

/bʌt/ /stɔːrm/ /ðæt/

isn't there, Marshall?

/ðɛr/

Hey, Clint.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Marshall?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

I'm talking about the one that's been raining

/əˈbaʊt/

cats and dogs all over this-this, this friendship.

/ænd/ /dɒɡz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/

This isn't a friendship.

/ˈfrɛndʃɪp/

Oh.

Nice.

/naɪs/

We're reluctant travel companions.

/ˈtrævəl/

Well, little known fact about me.

/wɛl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /fækt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

I'm an almost-graduate

of the Conflict Resolution program over at... at Tri-C.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza

/ˈiːvən/ /hæd/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/ /væn/

before the manager of the Wendy's

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/

made me stop hogging the booth.

/miː/ /stɒp/

The point is, I can fix this.

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /kæn/ /fɪks/

Oh, I don't know, Clint.

/noʊ/

♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts

/sʌm/

♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts ♪

/sʌm/

♪ Gonna make a deeper understanding ♪

/meɪk/

♪ Through mediation.

/θruː/

Okay, you know what? We have to hit the road.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /roʊd/

But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you mind if I take this mug?

/bʌt/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /duː/ /juː/ /maɪnd/ /ɪf/ /teɪk/

I would very much like

/wʊd/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /mʌtʃ/ /laɪk/

to make fun of Ted next time I see him.

/meɪk/ /fʌn/ /nɛkst/ /taɪm/ /siː/ /hɪm/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

You know, when Ted was seven,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɛvən/

he and his best friend took this Wild West photo

/hiː/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /tʊk/ /waɪld/ /wɛst/ /ˈfoʊtoʊ/

together at Geauga Lake.

/təˈɡɛð.ər/ /leɪk/

I could go look for it.

/kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

We really should get going.

/wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

His best friend was a balloon.

/hɪz/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /wɒz/

What's a few more minutes?

/fjuː/ /mɔːr/

Yeah, you're gonna want that.

/wɒnt/ /ðæt/

So... what's everyone doing this morning?

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Oh, well, I kind of feel like playing some tennis.

/wɛl/ /kaɪnd/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /sʌm/

Maybe we should reserve a court.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /kɔːt/

Court.

/kɔːt/

Thank you, Linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

Pancakes and eggs, Robin?

/ˈpænkeɪks/ /ænd/ /ɛɡz/

I guess that blouse won't be loose and flowy for long.

/ɡɛs/ /ðæt/ /biː/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/

Mom...

/mɒm/

Keep talking, Loretta.

/kiːp/

I've been waiting all morning to...

/ɔːl/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

ketchup.

Oops. Oops.

You're not supposed to put ketchup on scrambled eggs.

/səˈpoʊzd/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ɛɡz/

Right, Loretta, because

/raɪt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

you're the queen of scrambled eggs.

/ɛɡz/

Actually, that's

/ˈæktʃuəli/

exactly what she is.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

When Mom was

/wɛn/ /mɒm/ /wɒz/

a groupie in the '70s,

her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock.

/hɜːr/ /ɛɡz/ /hɜːr/

Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs.

/lɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðoʊz/ /ɛɡz/

ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"?

/lɛɡz/

Originally "She's Got Eggs."

/ɛɡz/

Led Zeppelin? Led Zeppelin?

"Scramble On."

/ɒn/

Steve Miller? Steve Miller?

"The Yolker."

If you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /dɑːrk/ /saɪd/

while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

/waɪl/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /ɛɡz/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

While I'm sure it was your mother's cooking skills

/waɪl/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/

that made her so popular with Zed Zed Top and their ilk,

/ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈpɒpjʊlər/ /wɪð/ /tɒp/ /ænd/ /ðɛr/

I know for a fact

/noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /fækt/

that she does not make the best scrambled eggs.

/ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /meɪk/ /bɛst/ /ɛɡz/

Because my mom makes the best scrambled eggs.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /bɛst/ /ɛɡz/

Kids, we've known your Aunt Robin

/kɪdz/ /jʊr/ /ænt/

for eight years at that point,

/fɔːr/ /eɪt/ /ðæt/ /pɔɪnt/

and here's what we knew about her mom.

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /njuː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /mɒm/

My mom is terrified of flying.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/ /ɪz/

My mom got stung by a jellyfish.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/

My mom makes the best scrambled eggs.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/ /bɛst/ /ɛɡz/

And... that's everything.

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

In fact, she should be here any minute.

/fækt/ /ʃiː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /hɪr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Barney, Barney,

maybe she can cook you some real scrambled eggs

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ʃiː/ /kæn/ /kʊk/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /riːl/ /ɛɡz/

so you can see what you've been missing.

/juː/ /kæn/ /siː/ /wɒt/

Don't do this, Robin. You can't win the egg war.

/duː/ /juː/ /wɪn/ /wɔːr/

Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint.

/ɛɡz/ /haʊ/

Does your mom put maple syrup on them?

/dʌz/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ðɛm/

Ha, ha, ha, this is all very friendly.

/ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈfrɛndli/

Get out of this now.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /naʊ/

Why not? We put maple syrup on everything else.

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/

Aw. Aw.

That's it!

/ɪt/

We need your omelet station.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /ˈsteɪʃən/

My son's fiancée is about to get served...

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɛt/

some delicious scrambled eggs.

/sʌm/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /ɛɡz/

Or I could go out to the driveway and eat some gravel.

/kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /iːt/ /sʌm/

Wait. Sorry. Did you say gravel or gavel?

/weɪt/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Gravel. Why would I say gavel?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /seɪ/

Gavel.

Thank you, Linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

Curtis, can I please

/kæn/ /pliːz/

have a map to the lighthouse?

/hæv/ /mæp/

It's a very romantic lighthouse.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

I can't even have a map?

/ˈiːvən/ /hæv/ /mæp/

It's a very romantic map.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /mæp/

I can't let you go without a date.

/lɛt/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /deɪt/

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

What happened to that girl Cassie? Cassie?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/

Cassie was the girl I'd spent

/wɒz/ /ɡɜːrl/

the entire previous night consoling.

/ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ˈpriːviəs/ /naɪt/

Just consoling.

/dʒʌst/

Yeah, that's not happening.

/ˈhæpənɪŋ/

And then, in her anger,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /hɜːr/

Lily gave me a piece of advice

/ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /piːs/ /ədˈvaɪs/

about which she would later say...

/əˈbaʊt/ /wɪtʃ/ /ʃiː/ /wʊd/ /ˈleɪtər/ /seɪ/

Oh, mama, that was some bad advice.

/ˈmɑːmə/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /sʌm/ /bæd/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Okay, here's why you're an idiot.

/waɪ/ /ˈɪdiət/

Did you find Cassie attractive?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /faɪnd/

I guess. Is she a relatively normal height?

/ɡɛs/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /ˈnɔːrməl/

Yeah. So end up with her already.

/ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

God, do you really think

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/

that you're gonna find some perfect girl

/ðæt/ /faɪnd/ /sʌm/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ɡɜːrl/

who checks off every item on your list?

/huː/ /ɒf/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈaɪtəm/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /lɪst/

Well, not every item.

/wɛl/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈaɪtəm/

I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins.

/miːn/ /ʃiː/ /hæv/ /ʃɛr/ /maɪ/ /lʌv/ /fɔːr/

Although it would be nice, just once,

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /naɪs/ /dʒʌst/ /wʌns/

not to have to go stag to Coin-Con.

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/

Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby.

/pʊl/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

Do you think Marshall always makes me happy?

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /miː/ /ˈhæp.i/

I mean, sometimes being with him is a real trial.

/miːn/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/ /ɪz/ /riːl/ /ˈtraɪəl/

Real trial.

/riːl/ /ˈtraɪəl/

Huh. Huh.

Did it to myself that time.

/dɪd/ /ɪt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

Look, Ted, it's time to settle.

/lʊk/ /taɪm/ /ˈsɛtl/

Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse

/teɪk/ /tʃɪk/ /ʌp/

and fall in love with her

/ænd/ /fɔːl/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff.

/ænd/ /kwɪt/ /ʌs/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /lʌv/ /laɪf/ /stʌf/

God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else.

/sɪk/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɛls/

You're slipping, Linus.

/ˈlaɪnəs/

We're running out of glasses.

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Do you want to just go to the stupid lighthouse?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Ooh, zitch dog.

/dɔːɡ/

Cocker spaniel in the Jetta.

That's Marshall Eriksen-- 28,

Daphne-- zero. Daphne: 0

For the 28th time,

/fɔːr/ /taɪm/

I'm not playing your stupid game!

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ɡeɪm/

Oh, stupid, huh?

/ˈstjuːpɪd/

That's great.

/ɡreɪt/

I guess Daphne gets to pick the music

/ɡɛs/ /ɡɛts/ /pɪk/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

and crap all over my fun road-trip games.

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /maɪ/ /fʌn/ /ɡeɪmz/

You know, maybe Clint was right.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/

Maybe we do need conflict resolution.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /duː/ /niːd/

I knew you guys would come around.

/njuː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wʊd/ /kʌm/ /əˈraʊnd/

And so I made up my mind to settle for Cassie.

/ænd/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/ /maɪnd/ /ˈsɛtl/ /fɔːr/

So, um, what kind of music do you like?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/ /duː/ /juː/ /laɪk/

Hmm... nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Still, I felt optimistic.

/fɛlt/

After all, Cassie was cute and single

/ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/ /wɒz/ /kjuːt/ /ænd/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

and heck, it's not like the universe was telling us

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /wɒz/ /ʌs/

we shouldn't be together.

/wiː/ /biː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Here we are. Enjoy.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/

happy wife, happy life.

/ˈhæp.i/ /waɪf/ /ˈhæp.i/ /laɪf/

Pretend they're just okay.

/dʒʌst/

Please, Lily, I think I can manage to...

/pliːz/ /θɪŋk/ /kæn/ /ˈmæn.ɪdʒ/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

I'm eight years old again,

/eɪt/ /oʊld/ /əˈɡɛn/

and life is perfect,

/ænd/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

and I haven't peed my shorts in front of 350 Webelos

/ænd/ /maɪ/

at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia.

/wɛst/

I'm sorry, Robin.

/ˈsɒr.i/

What do you think, Lily?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Oh, my God, they are so delicious.

/maɪ/ /ðeɪ/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

Even more delicious than finding out Barney peed himself

/ˈiːvən/ /mɔːr/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /ðæn/ /ˈfaɪndɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia.

/wɛst/

I'm sorry, Robin.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Mmm. Come on,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

they can't be that good.

/ðeɪ/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /ɡʊd/

Excuse me, Mrs. Stinson, some of our guests

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /sʌm/ /aʊər/

smelled your scrambled eggs and were wondering

/jʊr/ /ɛɡz/ /ænd/ /wɜːr/

if you could make some for them as well.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /meɪk/ /sʌm/ /fɔːr/ /ðɛm/ /wɛl/

Oh, I don't think I should...

/θɪŋk/ /ʃʊd/

Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

/ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/

Eggs! Eggs!

/ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/

Clint, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

What the Ohio State Board of Holistic Medicine has repeatedly

/wɒt/ /bɔːrd/ /ˈmɛdsɪn/ /hæz/

told me I'm in no way qualified to do: my job.

/toʊld/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ˈkwɒlɪfaɪd/ /duː/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/

When I see a conflict needs resolving, I must act.

/wɛn/ /siː/ /mʌst/ /ækt/

Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out of the house.

/plʌs/ /mɒm/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /haʊs/

So, today, we're gonna build a new paradigm

/təˈdeɪ/ /bɪld/ /njuː/

of understanding,

and then you're gonna swoop me on back to Shaker Heights.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /miː/ /ɒn/ /bæk/

Oh, I need to stop

/niːd/ /stɒp/

at Record Rev on Coventry.

/rɪˈkɔːrd/ /ɒn/

My vaporizer's ready.

/maɪ/ /ˈrɛd.i/

Marshall, pull over and dump this hippie

/pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /dʌmp/

on the side of the road.

/ɒn/ /saɪd/ /roʊd/

I can't do that.

/duː/ /ðæt/

♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts ♪

/sʌm/

♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts

/sʌm/

Daphne picks the music.

/ˈmjuːzɪk/

♪ Gonna end this argument

/ɛnd/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/

♪ Between Marshall and his mistress. ♪

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /ænd/ /hɪz/

Oh, come on. Daphne picks the music!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

Ow! Stupid racecar!

/ˈstjuːpɪd/

This is why children should not have toys!

/ɪz/ /waɪ/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/

Look, maybe this lighthouse thing isn't such a good idea.

/lʊk/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /θɪŋ/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

No, you don't.

/noʊ/ /juː/

You committed,

/juː/

and so did I, so let's go.

/ænd/ /dɪd/ /ɡoʊ/

Oh. Ow! Oh!

Actually, it's feeling better.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Ow! Oh! No, it's not.

/noʊ/

Mom, I don't know why your phone is off.

/mɒm/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/ /ɪz/ /ɒf/

Maybe you left your charger in the pickup truck.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /jʊr/ /trʌk/

But I need you to get here as fast possible.

/bʌt/ /niːd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /fæst/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

I know you're probably gonna want

/noʊ/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /wɒnt/

to take a hot bath when you get in.

/teɪk/ /hɒt/ /bæθ/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

She fits in a bathtub.

/ʃiː/

That's good news. Unless...

/ɡʊd/ /njuːz/ /ənˈlɛs/

Oh, God, how big are Canadian bathtubs?

/haʊ/ /bɪɡ/

People ever line up

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /laɪn/ /ʌp/

like this for your mom's eggs?

/laɪk/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ɛɡz/

Loretta, even I could make better eggs than this.

/ˈiːvən/ /kʊd/ /meɪk/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ɛɡz/ /ðæn/

Oh, I'd love it if you'd come teach me

/lʌv/ /ɪt/ /ɪf/ /kʌm/ /tiːtʃ/ /miː/

how to make scrambled eggs.

/haʊ/ /meɪk/ /ɛɡz/

It's a scramble-off, everybody!

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

A scramble-off to the death!

/dɛθ/

Someone go watch for the cops!

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɒtʃ/ /fɔːr/

Maybe we should have read up on this town

/ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /riːd/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /taʊn/

before booking our wedding.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈbʊkɪŋ/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Let's do some, "When you... I feel."

/duː/ /sʌm/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /fiːl/

All right, for example,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪɡˈzɑːm.pəl/

when you don't do trust falls,

/wɛn/ /juː/ /duː/ /trʌst/

I feel like you should do trust falls.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /duː/ /trʌst/

So just do the damn trust falls.

/dʒʌst/ /duː/ /trʌst/

I'm driving a car, Clint.

/ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /kɑːr/

Okay,

uh, Daphne, when you say "Drill, baby, drill"

/wɛn/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

every time that we pass a gas station,

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /pæs/ /ˈsteɪʃən/

I feel invalidated.

/fiːl/

Marshall, when you talk, I feel shut up!

/wɛn/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /fiːl/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

That's very good, both of you.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ɡʊd/ /boʊθ/ /juː/

Really? Both of us?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /boʊθ/ /ʌs/

Name one energy that's better than oil.

/neɪm/ /ˈɛnərdʒi/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /ɔɪl/

Wind, solar, hydroelectric.

/wɪnd/

You see what I've been dealing with, Clint?

/juː/ /siː/ /wɒt/ /wɪð/

♪ The sticky petroleum clings... ♪

Please not now, Clint.

/pliːz/ /naʊ/

♪ To the pelican's broken wings ♪

/wɪŋz/

♪ Hey, Mr. Oilman, what have you done... ♪

/wɒt/ /hæv/ /juː/ /dʌn/

Stop, stop, stop, please. Enough! Clint,

/stɒp/ /stɒp/ /stɒp/ /pliːz/ /ɪˈnʌf/

I'm tired of your beard and I'm tired

/ˈtaɪ.ərd/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

of this stupid therapy session. And I'm tired

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈθɛrəpi/ /ænd/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

of the way that your songs have a-a laxative effect on Marvin!

/weɪ/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /hæv/ /ɒn/

And on me. Every time Clint starts singing,

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /miː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/

I just got to go. Yeah.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/

It's like, uh, the only trust fall when you sing

/laɪk/ /ˈoʊnli/ /trʌst/ /fɔːl/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /sɪŋ/

is that I "trust" that a piece of poop

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /trʌst/ /ðæt/ /piːs/

is gonna "fall" out of my son's butt.

/ɪz/ /fɔːl/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /bʌt/

Hey, Clint, how about that?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

You got us to agree on something. Yeah.

/juː/ /ʌs/ /əˈɡriː/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

We both think you're a loser.

/wiː/ /boʊθ/ /θɪŋk/

This therapy works.

/ˈθɛrəpi/ /wɜːrks/

No!

/noʊ/

That is not the way therapy works at all!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /weɪ/ /ˈθɛrəpi/ /wɜːrks/ /ɔːl/

Do you think this is some kind of a joke?!

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪz/ /sʌm/ /kaɪnd/ /dʒoʊk/

This is my career!

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/

I will not go back to coaching the Browns!

/wɪl/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ˈkoʊtʃɪŋ/

Why can't people take

/waɪ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /teɪk/

what I do seriously?!

/wɒt/ /duː/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

God!

Oh, my God. One more.

/maɪ/ /mɔːr/

Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God.

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

God, that was a lot of stairs. I'm exhausted.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /lɒt/

My chest is on fire.

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /faɪər/

Oh.

Ooh! So, Mr. Arch-itect,

what do we do now?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /wiː/ /duː/ /naʊ/

Fall in love or something?

/fɔːl/ /lʌv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

And, kids, as I stood on that lighthouse

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/

and looked at that girl, I felt something happen inside me,

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /fɛlt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpən/ /miː/

something that had only happened one other time

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /taɪm/

in my entire adult life.

/maɪ/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ˈædʌlt/ /laɪf/

Okay, scrambled eggs.

/ɛɡz/

Here we go.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Where is the egg opener?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/

Never mind. I'll pre-scramble them. It's fine.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪnd/ /ðɛm/ /faɪn/

Okay, fine, Loretta. You know what? You win.

/faɪn/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɪn/

I don't know how

/noʊ/ /haʊ/

to cook egg.

/kʊk/

If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /meɪk/ /ɛɡz/

I just worry what kind of breakfast

/dʒʌst/ /ˈwʌri/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/

you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.

/biː/ /maɪ/

Well, lucky you

/wɛl/ /ˈlʌki/ /juː/

because that is one thing you won't ever have to worry about.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/

Mom, Robin can't have kids.

/mɒm/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

Every single job I take on, it's always the same!

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /dʒɒb/ /teɪk/ /ɒn/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /seɪm/

"The coffee maker has to stay in the office, Clint!"

/ˈkɔː.fi/ /hæz/ /steɪ/ /ˈɒfɪs/

"You still have to wear pants on Casual Friday, Clint!"

/juː/ /hæv/ /wɛr/ /pænts/ /ɒn/

"We didn't

/wiː/

hire you, Clint!"

/haɪər/ /juː/

Well, God, I'm-I'm...

/wɛl/

I'm just sick of it. I'm si...

/dʒʌst/ /sɪk/ /ɪt/

Ow. Ow. Oh, I can hear my blood right now.

/kæn/ /hɪr/ /maɪ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I'm having an attack. I'm having a blood attack.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /əˈtæk/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /əˈtæk/

A blood attack?

/əˈtæk/

Yeah. Pull over. I need... I-I need to meditate.

/pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /niːd/ /niːd/

I got to get my heart rate down. I'll... Ow! Pull over.

/ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /daʊn/ /pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

We're in the middle of nowhere. Pull over!

/ˈmɪdəl/ /pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Zitch dog, Labradoodle in a Ford Fusion! Ow!

/dɔːɡ/

God...

Robin can't have kids?

/hæv/ /kɪdz/

But you always wanted children.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

No, I always liked children.

/noʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

I've always wanted a Lamborghini where there's a hot tub inside.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /wɛr/ /hɒt/

God, I wish that existed.

/wɪʃ/ /ðæt/

So no grandkids.

/noʊ/

How long have you known about this?

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæv/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I found out last fall.

/aʊt/ /læst/ /fɔːl/

Robin and I had been hanging out downtown

/ænd/ /hæd/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/

at this very cool secret bar.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /kuːl/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /bɑːr/

What a lovely place!

/wɒt/ /ˈlʌvli/ /pleɪs/

Have you ever had sushi that fresh?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/ /ðæt/ /frɛʃ/

Okay, I am never getting on a mechanical bull again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /əˈɡɛn/

I can't believe Marshall and Lily missed out.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ænd/ /mɪst/ /aʊt/

Promise me, if you ever have kids,

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

you'll sometimes get a babysitter

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɡɛt/

and come have an epic night.

/ænd/ /kʌm/ /hæv/ /naɪt/

Oh, and, P.S., bring the babysitter, she sounds dirty.

/ænd/ /brɪŋ/ /ʃiː/ /ˈdɜːrti/

Actually, I, uh, I can't have kids,

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

so that's not an issue.

/ˈɪʃuː/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Yeah. Yeah.

Is it weird that I'm hugging you like this?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /laɪk/

No, it's not weird.

/noʊ/

Now it's weird. Mm-hmm. Yep, the rain makes it weird.

/naʊ/ /reɪn/ /ɪt/

Mom, I'm not marrying some future possibility

/mɒm/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/ /sʌm/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

of starting a family.

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

I'm marrying a girl.

/ˈmæriɪŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/

Who means more to me than kids.

/huː/ /mɔːr/ /miː/ /ðæn/ /kɪdz/

Or my career.

/maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/

Or even the Lambor-cuzzi, patent pending.

/ˈiːvən/

So please...

/pliːz/

...be nice to her?

/biː/ /naɪs/ /hɜːr/

This is ridiculous.

/ɪz/

Get out there and drag Clint's

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/

downward-facing ass back in here so we can get going.

/bæk/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Just let him do his thing.

/dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /hɪm/ /duː/ /hɪz/ /θɪŋ/

Do you know why the Daphnes of the world

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /wɜːrld/

always get to pick the music

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /pɪk/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

and the Marshalls pay all the tolls?

/ænd/ /peɪ/ /ɔːl/

Because the Marshalls

/bɪˈkɔːz/

are so concerned

with letting everybody do their thing,

/wɪð/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /duː/ /ðɛr/ /θɪŋ/

and the Daphnes are taking care of Daphne.

/ænd/ /kɛr/

You can talk to me about solar or wind or hydro-whatever,

/juː/ /kæn/ /tɔːk/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɪnd/

but the world is always gonna push you around, Marshall.

/bʌt/ /wɜːrld/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /pʊʃ/ /juː/ /əˈraʊnd/

Until you learn to go nuclear.

/ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /lɜːrn/ /ɡoʊ/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Is this real?

/ɪz/ /riːl/

Are you doing this?

/juː/

We need some driving music.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /sʌm/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

No!

/noʊ/

You threw a live grenade into my marriage.

/juː/ /lɪv/ /maɪ/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

You screwed up my whole world.

/juː/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/ /hoʊl/ /wɜːrld/

So from now on...

/naʊ/ /ɒn/

we listen to my music.

/wiː/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /maɪ/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

♪ But I would walk 500 miles

/bʌt/ /wʊd/ /wɔːk/ /maɪlz/

♪ And I would walk 500 more...

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /wɔːk/ /mɔːr/

I hate this song.

/heɪt/ /sɒŋ/

Give it time.

/ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /taɪm/

Zitch dog, beagle in a Beetle.

/dɔːɡ/

Don't let Loretta get to you.

/lɛt/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/

Hey, when your mom gets here, do you want to all go--

/wɛn/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /ɡɛts/ /hɪr/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/

I don't know-- avoid jellyfish?

/noʊ/ /əˈvɔɪd/

She's not coming.

What? Sao?

/wɒt/

I finally got a hold of her.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /hoʊld/ /hɜːr/

She, um, never got on the plane.

/ʃiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɒn/ /pleɪn/

She was too scared.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /skɛrd/

She won't be at her daughter's wedding.

/ʃiː/ /biː/ /hɜːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

If that is the case...

/ɪf/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

can we tell Barney she's super fat?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /tɛl/ /ˈsuːpər/ /fæt/

It would mean the world to me.

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /miːn/ /wɜːrld/ /miː/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

Oh, here we go.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Listen, Robin... Loretta,

/ˈlɪs.ən/

not now. Robin just found out

/naʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊt/

her mom's not coming to the wedding.

/hɜːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Oh.

Well, uh, okay.

/wɛl/

Loretta... Loretta...

My name's Mom.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/

Don't you ever call me anything else.

/juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/

I'm Mom.

/mɒm/

Okay.

Mom.

/mɒm/

I'm sorry. Sometimes I get...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɡɛt/

...carried away.

/əˈweɪ/

Your eggs are great, by the way.

/jʊr/ /ɛɡz/ /ɡreɪt/ /weɪ/

Oh, mama,

/ˈmɑːmə/

that was some bad advice.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /sʌm/ /bæd/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Thanks, Lil.

But you know what sucks?

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

When I was at the top

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /tɒp/

of that lighthouse,

/ðæt/

despite everything else...

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/

Wow. It's like traveling back in time.

/laɪk/ /bæk/ /taɪm/

Just stop talking.

/dʒʌst/ /stɒp/

...it was breathtaking.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

And I wasted it.

/ænd/ /ɪt/

I mean, how many places have I ruined forever

/miːn/ /haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /hæv/ /fərˈɛvər/

by being there with the wrong girl?

/ðɛr/ /wɪð/ /rɒŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/

So come back with the right girl.

/kʌm/ /bæk/ /wɪð/ /raɪt/ /ɡɜːrl/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment

/θɪŋk/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ɡɛts/

of lighthouses per lifetime.

And I've used all mine up.

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /maɪn/ /ʌp/

And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /kɪdz/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /seɪ/

before you've met the person who hits the reset button

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /huː/

on the world, who makes everything new again,

/ɒn/ /wɜːrld/ /huː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /njuː/ /əˈɡɛn/

who makes it seem ridiculous

/huː/ /ɪt/ /siːm/

that you ever considered settling,

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

because not two years later...